Chapter 421 Triumphal Return ⑤
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
”Oh…! Is that the one from the rumors!?”
The hushed murmurs of the spectators drifted through the air. I kept my jaw set, trying my absolute best to ignore them. If I didn’t, I knew I’d burst out laughing. My “Ddo-Buddy Cannon”¹, which had been hauled into the heart of the Great Cathedral, was currently standing tall and proud-and very much erect.
Kneeling before the device were Sister Amelia, the court mages Satsuki and Marsetta, Kushe-chan and Martin from the Coalmine group², and a dog-beastman who looked suspiciously like the father of my dog-girl, Laika.
”You have done well to return, heroes among heroes,” Prince Roland Canaria said. “You are the ones who struck down the two Great Dragons.”
”Understood, Your Highness!” the six of them shouted in unison.
To the eyes of the crowd, this probably looked like a scene plucked straight from a legend. I got it. I really do. It was easy to buy into the hype as long as you tried your hardest not to notice that the “Dildo-Buddy Cannon” was basically pitching a massive tent in the middle of a holy site.
I glanced around the room. The people on the left side of the pulpit-the nobles and civil officials of the Kingdom of Canaria-all wore strained, incredibly awkward expressions. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. Man, I am… I’m really sorry about this… I thought.
On the other hand, the church officials on the opposite side and the Holy Figure³ herself seemed genuinely intrigued. As for the spectators, they were practically salivating. Most importantly, the Prince-who was still being kept in the dark about the true nature of this “new magic weapon” by the Queen-was constantly stealing glances at the thing with wide, wonder-filled eyes.
”General, will you regale us with the tale of their heroism?” the Prince asked.
”As you wish, Your Highness,” General Oromanso replied.
The Prince looked on with a sense of childlike wonder that he somehow balanced with his royal dignity. Everyone in the cathedral was dying to hear it. Honestly, I wanted to hear it from the source, too. What kind of hell had Amelia and the others crawled through? And had my “Dildo-Buddy Cannon” actually been of any use to them?
”Then, let us begin from the moment we held our breath,” Oromanso said. “We crept beneath the bellies of the two Great Dragons that rule the sky, hiding from the swarms of Lesser Dragons that blotted out the sun…”
The story that followed was, quite literally, an unbelievable epic. Oromanso spoke of the unexpected bravery of the dog-beastmen, the desperate struggle of the Coalmine group who had traveled from a foreign land to assist, the sheer obsession of the court mages, the pride of the Holy Labor Corps⁴, and the selfless devotion of Sister Amelia.
Oromanso-shi clearly had a talent for storytelling. Or maybe their battle was just that packed with legendary feats. It was probably both, but man… I never imagined they’d be swinging the “Dildo-Buddy Cannon” around like a literal club.
The cinematic descriptions of the battle had everyone’s hearts racing. Even I felt the hype, despite the fact that I was currently imagining the “cannon” spitting out searing white bursts of “light.” Eventually, Prince Roland, his eyes sparkling more than anyone’s, slowly began to speak.
”That was a magnificent tale,” Roland-dono-ka said. “You are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, true heroes. I shall reward you to the absolute limit of my-of this country’s-power. My thanks also go to the Saints of the Church, our friends from Coalmine, and the volunteers of the dog-beastmen. Please, let me show you the gratitude you deserve.”
”Your words are far more than we deserve, Your Highness…” Amelia replied.
”We only followed the path of God, but we are deeply grateful for your noble heart,” one of the Saints added.
”My King will surely be pleased,” Martin said. “It is my hope that this remains a testament to the friendship between our two nations for years to come.”
”Ah- I am… deeply, extremely honored… I think?” the dog-beastman stammered.
The Prince gave the fumbling man a warm, fatherly nod. It was a perfect picture: the heroes and the sovereign who cherished them. A strange sense of exaltation filled the cathedral once more. Then, the Holy Figure stepped out from behind the Prince.
”Lord Roland,” she said, her voice like honey. “May I also offer my praise and blessing?”
”Yes, of course,” the Prince replied. “If Your Holiness wishes to bless them, they will be overjoyed.”
The Holy Figure took the Prince’s place, completely sealing away her usual playful tone. She was playing the part of the Saint so perfectly I almost didn’t recognize her. She draped herself in that same divine atmosphere she’d used during the heresy trial.⁵
To the spectators who had never seen a Holy Figure in the flesh, her radiance was overwhelming. The air in the cathedral shifted from martial pride into religious fervor. Ah, right. This feeling, I thought. Even someone like me, who doesn’t have a religious bone in my body, felt the sudden urge to start praying.
”First, a blessing upon you all,” she announced. “By the will of God, your deeds in protecting the people and casting down evil were truly noble and magnificent. Because of you, humanity has taken a definitive step toward a peaceful world.”
She clasped her hands in prayer. The onlookers, as if drawn in by an invisible force, followed suit. Then, from the very floor of the cathedral, particles of light began to dance into the air.
I didn’t know if that was a “Holy Art” or just some special effect that came standard with a Holy Figure’s prayer. But the sight pushed the crowd over the edge. Some people were actually breaking down in tears, sobbing in the aisles.
”Next, to the members of the Holy Labor Corps who represented the might of the Church in my stead,” she continued. “Especially Holy Knight Kuroalmante, Priest Samarefuoso, and the Martial Monk Katz…”
”Yes, Your Holiness!” the three replied.
”I am so proud of your bravery. You have done so well,” she said softly.
”We are unworthy of such grace!” they cried out.
They were the ones truly overcome with emotion. Kneeling and weeping, their shoulders shaking with sobs, they each had their heads gently stroked by the Holy Figure. The particles of light multiplied, pulsing all around them.
This part had heavy political weight. I’d heard the Holy Labor Corps were traditionalists who haven’t been given much respect lately. For the Holy Figure to bless them personally would have a massive impact on the Church’s future hierarchy. They were leaning toward a fundamentalist revival. Whether that was good or bad, I had no idea.
”And Nun Mother Marian,” the Holy Figure said.
”Yes~? ♡” Marian chirped.
”You led the Holy Labor Corps flawlessly. Your contribution is so great that I believe you stand equal to the Holy Figures of the ancient past.”
A sharp tension flickered through the air. For the clergymen who weren’t on the stage, that statement was a total bombshell. She was basically recognizing Marian as a peer.
”Fufu, you’re too kind,” Marian said with a giggle. “I was simply supported by the people of Canaria and the Holy Labor Corps. I could never compare to the Holy Figures of old, nor to you, who protects the peace of every believer.”
”Is that so? If you say so, then I suppose I must work even harder.”
”Yes, may God’s will be done~ ♡”
”Yes, may God’s will be done.”
The answer was a “no.” This was all a performance. They were praying for each other, blessing each other to maintain the status quo. The Holy Figure praised Marian’s feats, and Marian claimed she was nothing compared to the Holy Figure. It was a public declaration of solidarity.
It was all incredibly tedious, but necessary. A stable Church was a good thing for both the Kingdom and for my business. If there was a sudden coup, I had no idea what would happen to my shop.
For the spectators, none of that mattered. They were just breathless, watching two beautiful, noble women share a divine prayer. The particles of light shone brighter than ever, spilling out of the cathedral and enveloping everyone in the city.
”And finally,” the Holy Figure said, turning her gaze. “Sister Amelia.”
”Yes…” Amelia whispered.
The ceremony was reaching its climax. Marian had acknowledged the current Holy Figure. But what about Amelia? What did the girl the commoners were already calling a Saint think? What would she say? Every eye in the room was fixed on the two of them.
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Summary:
The triumphal return ceremony for the dragon-slayers is held in the Great Cathedral. The protagonist’s ‘Dildo-Buddy Cannon’ is hailed as a divine weapon, causing him significant second-hand embarrassment. The ‘Holy Figure’ performs a political blessing to stabilize church relations and recognize the Holy Labor Corps.
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Trivia:
- The protagonist’s internal monologue is the only thing grounding the scene in reality.
- The ‘Holy Figure’ is putting on an act (cat-masking) for the public.
- The Holy Labor Corps was previously a neglected faction within the Church.
- The ‘Dildo-Buddy Cannon’ was actually used as a physical club in the dragon fight.
- The political tension between Marian and the established Church hierarchy is being smoothed over via public performance
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Character Insight:
The protagonist feels a mix of guilt and hilarity, realizing his products are now part of national legend. The Holy Figure shows her mastery of political theater and image management.
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Behind the Scenes:
The author leans heavily into the ‘misunderstood artifact’ trope, using the absurdity of an adult toy being worshipped to drive the comedy.
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TL Notes:
Notes:
• Marsetta – A senior court mage and specialist in magical weaponry. She has disheveled hair tied back, wears glasses, and has deep dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She hasn’t eaten in two days and is under heavy pressure to find a countermeasure for the enemy’s weapons.
• Satsuki – A talented Court Mage who was forced to analyze the shop’s adult magic tools. Miranda’s granddaughter. Now she’s the new worker at Harvest, a development she finds both humiliating and surprisingly fulfilling due to the rapid progress in her research under Kento’s guidance. Has long black hair, palace mage robe, and staff.
• Amelia – The Sister of the Church of Demon-Subjugating, who usually buys from Kento, has light blue hair.
• Martin – Lily’s non-blood-related younger brother. Considered the strongest candidate to succeed the Popol family due to his lineage and manifested ‘power. He has pink hair.
• Kushe – The Chief Mage of the Coalmine Kingdom. She has dark green hair grown out haphazardly and wears a mage robe loosely over her shoulders. She has a blunt, informal, and somewhat insensitive personality, focused on her ‘thinking experiments.’
• Laika – The beastwoman dog.
• Roland – he younger brother of Queen Cecile and the heir apparent to the Canaria throne. Clean, golden-blonde hair, same color as the Queen, innocent, beautiful face that could be mistaken for a girl but dressed in a boy’s formal wear.
• Oromanso – A General serving as the assistant to Duke Roost. Bear beastman.
• Kuroalmante – A Holy Knight; one of the elites in the hodgepodge unit.
• Samarefuoso – A Priest and strategic advisor for the unit’s night watches.
• Katz – A Martial Monk and veteran described as an ‘outdated’ relic with immense physical strength, older male and muscular build.
• Marian – A ‘Mother’ and supervisor from the Church of Demon-Subjugation. Her appearance and demeanor defy the Church’s purported ‘chastity,’ instead she has wavy purple long hair, busty, black nun, tear mole under eye, and monroe walk. She has arrived with a clear purpose: to confront Kento about the ‘Devil’s Stick.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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