Chapter 98 IF? Shirogane Kanon, We’ll Protect This Earth!
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
*This is a parody.
——–
Some time passed since Aqua came home safe.
Earth was rebuilt, and days were peaceful.
But peace never lasts.
A new crisis was coming for Earth.
’For the first time in human history, extraterrestrial life has been confirmed.’
People stop to watch the emergency broadcast on giant screens across town.
Prime Minister Habu says alien life has been confirmed and it’s heading for Earth with hostile intent.
I’ve had enough…!
I mean, the way things are going, Aqua’s just going to head back to space anyway, and after all that drama, she’ll save the Earth again, right?!
But… feelings like that… neither I nor anyone else wants to go through that again!!
I tell Emily-senpai how I feel.
”Kanon, I knew you’d say that!”
Emily-senpai’s oversized pilot sunglasses glint in the light.
Um… Emily-senpai, we’re indoors here, aren’t we?
”Follow me, Kanon. We’re going to protect Earth—and Aqua-sama!”
”Emily-senpai… Yes!”
Good thing I talked to Emily-senpai.
Holy Aqua Religion is definitely up to something again!!
Emily-senpai and I board a plane to Cape Muroto in Kochi Prefecture.
Um, why Kochi Prefecture?
”This is Ota from the RX Project. We’ve been waiting for you both!”
Guided by Mr. Ota, Emily-senpai and I are led to the changing room to change into the new spacesuits.
”Wait, what the heck is this!?”
”What do you mean, ‘what’? It’s a gym uniform.”
Wait, can you really wear a gym uniform in space!?
Emily-senpai explains that a gym suit works fine in space.
Fine. I’ll just wear it!
Wearing my gym suit, I follow Ota-san into a building labeled “hangar.”
”W-what’s this!?”
My eyes widen at two familiar rockets.
Izanagi and Izanami—the rockets that took BERYL and the Verification Team into space.
I’d been wondering what happened to them after they returned. So that’s where they were….
”Kanon, you forgot your headband.”
”Oh, right.”
Wait, does this headband have some kind of special meaning?
Huh? Is it the brain-computer interface they used to send messages to Aqua?
Wow, when I wear this, instructions on how to pilot it just automatically flow into my memory.
At that moment, I realize, “Oh, the Holy Aqua Religion has gone and developed something outrageous again.”
”Come, Kanon, we shall depart!”
”U-um”
Why did Emily-senpai suddenly start talking like an aristocrat?
Well, her acting weird is nothing new, so I won’t worry.
With a ribbon holding her hair in a ponytail, Emily-senpai boards the Izanagi.
I guess I should board the Izanami.
As I sit down, Mr. Ota’s face appears on the monitor.
”I’m entrusting the future of Earth to you two. Good luck!”
A countdown appears.
I grip the wheel and lean forward.
”Starting water injection.”
Wait, what? What’s going on!?
Water pours into the hangar. What is happening!?
Just as I panic, Emily-senpai’s face appears on the sub-monitor.
”Be calm, Kanon. This is deep-sea water from Muroto. It is harmless and quite good for one’s body.”
Emily-senpai… That’s not what I meant.
Why is water flowing into the hangar!?
As the hangar fills, the ceiling slowly opens.
Wait a minute!?
Is this hangar actually at the bottom of the ocean!?
’Engines ignited, countdown begins.’
The countdown numbers in front of me are approaching zero.
I don’t know what’s going on, but I must be ready!
This time, I’m going to protect Aqua!!
’Countdown zero. Izanagi, Izanami, launch!!’
The Izanami breaks through the ocean and soars into the sky.
I don’t feel any gravity!
Is this the “nano” technology from Aqua’s medical pods?
I have some breathing room, so I look at the scenery.
”By the way, Emily-senpai. Did we really need to come out of the ocean?”
’Kanon… It is romance! Feel the romance!!’
I narrow my eyes.
This company is just a front for the Holy Aqua Religion.
”Holy Aqua Religion… They’re smart, but they’re obsessed with romance.”
’Yes, that is correct, Kanon. That is why everyone at General Company spent too much on research and upset management. Think about it, Kanon. Launching from the ocean—it is pure romance! Holy Aqua Religion takes in all those smart but strange people!!’
Emily-senpai has a stern yet sad look.
Um, how much longer will you talk like that?
While we talked, the Izanagi and Izanami entered space.
”Orbital Star Lynx Unit 2 confirmed! Docking with exterior components!!”
What’s that!?
Some kind of hull ejected from the new Orbital Star Lynx is docking with the Izanami I’m on and the Izanagi Emily-senpai is on.
’Connected to the 3510 Network! Displaying comments from the Bulletin Board on one of the sub-monitors!’
Huh!? What’s with that useless feature!?
I look at one of the sub-monitors.
I see a familiar page.
[Something’s happening!]
[I don’t get it, but go Shumi!]
[What is happening!?]
[Hagetoru! Shumi! Earth is in your hands!!]
[Holy Aqua Religion made something crazy again.]
[Shirogane Aqua/Kanon, what are you doing!?]
Oh, it’s a comment from Aqua.
I feel better now.
Aqua, this time I’ll protect you!!
’Target confirmed: hostile alien. Course clear.’
I grip the wheel tight.
”Let’s go, Emily-senpai!!”
…Emily-senpai?
She doesn’t respond.
’I shall not proceed unless Kanon calls me “Big Sister” (Onee-sama) in a ladylike way!’
I almost laugh.
’Come now, Kanon. Even when we made our sisterhood pact, you did not call me Emily-oneesama!’
”I have looked forward to this for so long!”
”Huh? Wait, what…?” I’m surprised.
”Um, Emily-senpai, do we need this now?”
[Ugh, Shumi won’t call her “Elder Sister”]
[Hey, Shumi! Call her “Elder Sister”! Pity Hagetoru!]
[Shumi, you’re like that, aren’t you?]
[Shirogane Aqua/Kanon… just call her that!]
[Aqua-sama gets it.]
[Aqua-sama, you fit right in with the Bulletin Board folks lol]
Fine. I get it!!
Why am I the bad guy?
”I guess I have no choice. Ahem! Emily-oneesama! Let’s go!!”
Emily-senpai’s eyes sparkle.
’Let’s go, Kanon! We shall combine!!’
Combine? What!?
The combination starts.
You should have explained that first!!
The Izanami and Izanagi combine.
Information flows into my head from the headband.
”Kanon!”
I know!
I like this too!!
I strike a pose.
”Zaaaaaambastaaaaaaaaaaa!!”
Perfect!
I look at the Bulletin Board.
[This is a rip-off of Zandam!!]
[Get an original name!!]
[Holy Aqua Religion always cuts corners on names.]
[Hey—stop messing around.]
[Holy Aqua Religion made something crazy again…]
[Truly insane weapon!!]
[I have a bad feeling about this. Bye!]
[Shirogane Aqua / Wooooh!! That’s so cool!!]
Aqua, thanks.
You’re the only one who is kind.
”Kanon, I shall use that!”
Yeah, I know!
I open the boosters and shoot up.
Spinning, I kick the alien.
”Suuuuuupaaaa!”
”Drivuuuuuuuaaa!”
”Kiiiiiiiiiickkkkkkk!!”
Aliens explode and scatter.
The light makes a Milky Way in space.
[Rip-off!]
[You guys totally ripped it off!!]
[Blatant rip-off.]
[Wait. Isn’t this dangerous?]
[Yeah. It’s seriously dangerous.]
[Shirogane Aqua／Woooooo!! Sooooooo cool!!]
More aliens head for us.
Too many. I almost chicken out, but Emily-senpai calls.
”Are you okay, Kanon? This Zambuster has the spirit of Kochi!”
I don’t… understand, but the people of Kochi must have worked hard.
It hasn’t even been six months. It’s crazy.
”Enemy aircraft above! Here we go. Kanon!!”
I deflect the attack and raise the robot’s head.
”Yosakoiiiiiii-zaaaaaaaaaaaah!!”
Aliens in the beam explode.
Moving the head clears them all.
[Local reference alert!]
[They threw in a local reference lol]
[That’s too overpowered!!]
[Stars Embassy / Are you guys in Japan planning to take over the universe?]
[↑ LOL LMAO]
[That’s a normal reaction lol]
[No one should have this weapon LMAO]
[I’m from another part of Shikoku. I won’t defy Kochi anymore.]
[↑ LOL LMAO]
[I’m from Kochi. Can I be a “big-city person” now?]
[↑ I forgive you!!]
[Shirogane Aqua / Woooaaaah!! Sooooooo cool!!]
More aliens appear.
There’s no end!!
”Kanon! You know what to do!!”
”Got it!”
I hold out my hands.
”Harimayaaaaaaaareeeeeeezaaaaaaaaaaa!!”
The Harimaya laser is curved.
Aliens explode.
”Why is it curved?”
”Kanon… I bend the laser with my power. Do not overthink it!”
Oh… okay.
Sorry for being logical.
[Power is everything!!]
[Power bends lasers.]
[The Harimaya Bridge is curved too!!]
[U.S. Embassy / If you want the U.S., just say it. We surrender.]
[Don’t give up, U.S.!! Who will stop that religion!!]
[Hang in there, U.S.!!]
[Thank you, Hagetoru! As a Kochi resident, I’m crying!!]
[Starting tomorrow, I am “Kochi of the World.”]
[Kochi land prices are skyrocketing!!]
[Shirogane Aqua / Wooooh!! That’s sooooo cool!!]
Aliens surround us and fire lasers.
”Kanon, concentrated fire—about 473,721!!”
Too many!
But I have the cape!!
”Shimantoooooooooo!!”
The cloak reflects the lasers.
”Let me explain! A ‘Shimanto’ is a cloak that deflects lasers like a river. This is the power of Kochi!”
Did I need to explain?
[Shimanto River!]
[The Shimanto is strongest!!]
[Zambuster is the pride of Kochi!!]
[Hagetoru is hilarious lol.]
[This thing is invincible…]
[Far East Federation Embassy / How do we beat this?!]
[↑LOL LMAO]
[Holy Aqua Religion is messed up.]
[I’m glad Hagetoru is the leader. It’s reassuring.]
[↑Exactly!]
[Shirogane Aqua／Woooooo!! Sooooooo cool!!]
[Aqua-sama says the same thing—lol]
[Aqua-sama lost her mind lol]
The lasers reflect and destroy the aliens.
That was easy.
But then a giant alien traps us.
”I never expected an enemy like this… How typical.”
”Yes, Emily-oneesama. But we have the Kochi Zambuster!!”
Energy waves come from the arms and legs.
”Doubleeeee Katsuo Ooooo Tatakiiiii!!”
The giant alien crumbles.
Why didn’t it explode? I won’t dwell on it.
A waste of time.
”Kochi’s bonito comes in two varieties: ‘hatsukatsuo’ and ‘modori-katsuo.’ Both are delicious!”
Um… Emily-senpai. Was that an “explanation”?
[Hagetoru is just promoting Kochi!!]
[Kochi Government / Hagetoru is an honorary resident!!]
[Congrats, Hagetoru lol]
[Is Kochi paying you?]
[↑LOL]
[Hagetoru from Kochi and Aqua from Kagawa. Other prefectures are nervous!!]
[Aqua-sama!? Why won’t you say I’m cool!?]
[Nickname didn’t work for Aqua lol]
[Even Aqua is staying calm—lol]
I’m tired, but most are gone.
Then an even bigger alien appears from a hole in space.
More…?
I attack, but it does nothing.
I panic.
”This is bad. We might lose.”
Emily-senpai stops acting.
This is serious.
We’re on the defensive.
We’re sweating.
Then someone calls.
’Kanon! Emily! It’s me!!’
”Kaede-senpai!?”
”Kaede-senpai!?”
A spaceship flies toward us.
’Break apart, Kanon! Emily!!’
”O-okay!”
We fire our ships toward Kaede-senpai.
’Kanon! Emily! Combine!!’
’”Combine!?”‘
I don’t get it, but okay!!
We line up and dock.
’Chäääääänge! Hogettaaaaaaaaaaa-Roboooooo!!’
What is this?
Information flows into my mind.
I see.
”The Hogetter Robot is a new type developed by Dr. Yaotome!”
Wait, you can’t combine without the Zambusters?
That feels sloppy.
But thinking about Hoge is a waste, so I stop.
[No way, LMAO]
[I knew it!]
[We won. Shower time.]
[Morikawa is here. Victory.]
[He’s an alien.]
[Surrender! It’s Morikawa!!]
[Kohina Yukari / What is this?]
[↑Exactly what we want to know.]
[What are they showing us, lol]
[Shirogane Aqua／Woooooo!! Sooooooo cool!!]
[Aqua-sama is back, lol]
Kaede-senpai reaches out.
Energy gathers in her palm.
”What is this Hoge-lar Wave!? It’s beyond Hogewave or Hoge Impact!!”
Emily-senpai, I don’t understand that.
I look serious.
”Here we go. Emily, Kanon!”
Kaede-senpai punches the alien.
It’s enveloped in light.
”Hogeraaaaaaaasaaaaaaan Shiiiiiiin!!”
No way… right?
Everything is swallowed by light and vanishes.
[Basically a black hole, lol]
[Perverts and geniuses are close.]
[Stars / Japan rules the universe!]
[Stars-san, lol]
[Where are they headed?]
[Holy Aqua Religion went all out lol]
[No stopping them now.]
[Comet-san pissed them off…]
An alarm blares.
Now what!?
”Massive wormhole ahead!”
”They are serious too.”
A huge swarm appears.
I see where this is going.
A massive shuttle emerges.
”Kanon-san, Emily-san, Kaede-san. Sorry I’m late.”
”Nee-san!!”
I knew it!!
The ship retrieves our robot.
”What power. Great work, Kaede-san.”
Cables wrap around us. Energy goes past the limit.
”Emily-san!”
”I know. Nee-san! Let’s go, everyone! Pervert… Transformation!!”
”Transformation”!? Did you say “pervert”!!
Everything glows.
The ship transforms into a giant robot.
”Over 1,000! Keijiban!!”
Fine. I’ll go along with it!
Gaaaaaaaaaaah!
”It’s me!”
”””It’s us!”””
””””We’re the Verification Team!!””””
I’m blushing.
Why is my sister into this?!
[Heart-pounding!]
[You guys are the best!]
[Don’t stop!]
[Great determination!]
[States Embassy: Do what you want. Earth is yours!]
[Matsuoka: Don’t give up, States! This is it!!]
[Who will stop that religion!!]
Wait. Why am I on Emily-senpai’s lap!?
This is pointless.
Emily-senpai looks stern.
”Let’s go!!”
Keijiban’s hand glows and transforms.
What is this!?
I look away.
[LMAO]
[Aqua-sama’s Aqua-sama is here lol]
[They put a mosaic over it lol]
[The divine object!]
[Habu Chiyoko / Wooohooooooo!]
[Kids shouldn’t see this!!]
[Kokucho Agewa / Prime Minister?]
[↑ Haha]
[Shirogane Aqua / Wait. I’m not this clueless, am I!?]
[Aqua-sama LMAO]
[Aqua-sama is on the Bulletin Board lol]
[Aqua-sama is talented lol]
The object spins.
Fine. Whatever!!
”Gigaaaa!”
”Goshintaaaaaaaai!”
”Drillllllllll!”
”Breakkkkkkkkk!”
The drill pierces everything.
”Your virginity… I took it.”
I narrow my eyes.
What…?
I look at the Bulletin Board.
[Earth is saved!]
[Holy Aqua Religion is a force to be reckoned with.]
[Don’t fight them. You’ll lose.]
[↑ Exactly!]
[We knew this early on!]
[Shirogane Aqua / Everyone… I’m sorry…]
[Aqua-sama is sad—do something!!]
[They made Aqua-sama cry!!]
[Workaholic / I’m sealing this robot!!]
[↑Yay!]
[Peace is back lol]
[Happily ever after!]
[Alien, don’t mess with Aqua-sama again!]
[Come with a friendly attitude!!]
I look at the Earth we protected.
They look proud.
Can I ask one more time?
What is this?
Go on without me!!
—
Summary:
Kanon’s peaceful world shatters when alien life is confirmed heading for Earth, triggering her fear that Aqua will sacrifice himself again. Emily-senpai recruits Kanon for a secret mission with rockets, gym-uniform spacesuits, and deep-sea launches—all from the Holy Aqua Religion. After docking in orbit and combining mechs into the Zanbuster, Kanon and Emily attack the alien swarm, with Emily’s romantic obsession and the Bulletin Board’s playful commentary revealing the absurdity behind the crisis.
Kanon and Emily battle waves of aliens with Kochi-themed attacks, from the curved HARIMAYA Laser to the Shimanto Mantle that deflects 473,721 lasers. Kaede-senpai arrives and combines their mechs into the Hogetter Robot, unleashing the Hoge Sanshain attack. An even bigger swarm appears, bringing Nee-san and the transformation into the colossal Keijiban.
Kanon lets the sacred object spin into a drill, destroying every alien. After the battle, the Bulletin Board celebrates while Kanon stares in disbelief. The author broke the fourth wall to confess they wrote this just to have Kanon call Emily “onee-sama.”
—
Trivia:
Emily-senpai’s speech shifts from casual to Ojousama (noble-lady) mid-mission, and she refuses to proceed until Kanon calls her “Onee-sama.”
The rockets Izanagi and Izanami were previously used to transport BERYL and the Verification Team into space.
The hangar is located at the bottom of the ocean near Cape Muroto in Kōchi Prefecture.
The launch uses deep-sea water injection—a completely impractical method Emily defends as “romance.”
The headband Kanon wears is a Brain-Computer Interface previously used to send feelings to Aqua.
The Bulletin Board is accessible mid-mission via a dedicated sub-monitor.
Aqua posts supportive comments on the Bulletin Board during the battle.
The Zanbuster’s “Super Driver Kick” and “Yosakoi Laser” are deliberate parodies of classic mecha anime moves.
The Holy Aqua Religion has a reputation for recruiting brilliant but eccentric individuals who overspend on R&D.
Emily mentions a “sister contract” made in Mary that Kanon never honored by calling her “Emily-oneesama.”
Emily drops her Ojousama speech pattern when genuinely panicked about the giant enemy.
The Shimanto Mantle’s name references the Shimanto River in Kochi Prefecture, Japan’s last clear stream.
Kaede’s spacecraft units are named Izanagi and Izanami after Japanese creation deities.
Hagetoru becomes an honorary citizen of Kochi Prefecture during the battle commentary.
The Holy Aqua Religion is considered dangerous enough that multiple embassies express concern.
Aqua-sama repeats the same excited phrase multiple times, suggesting she’s either highly enthusiastic or unresponsive.
Morikawa’s arrival in space is treated as an automatic win condition by commentators.
The Hogetter Robot requires both Zanbuster units to combine, which Kanon notes as a design flaw.
Nee-san’s arrival triggers the transformation sequence and subsequent embarrassment for Kanon.
The mosaic being applied by national broadcaster suggests the Keijiban’s transformed form contains objectionable content.
The “w” in forum posts is Japanese internet shorthand for laughter (warai), not the English letter.
”Yatta” is a Japanese exclamation meaning “we did it!” or “hooray!”
”Fr fr” in the forum post is Gen Z slang for “for real, for real.”
”Aqua-samaLMAO” is a username combining the honorific -sama with internet slang LMAO.
The protagonist’s dead-eyed stare at Emily-senpai’s edgy line shows they’re completely unimpressed.
”Worker-holic” is a username with a pun on “workaholic.”
The author’s note reveals the entire story premise exists to fulfill a specific character interaction.
The Bulletin Board format mimics Japanese 2channel/5channel culture with anonymous posters.
The “↑” symbol in forum posts indicates replying to or agreeing with the previous post.
”Nee-san” means older sister but is used here informally for a non-biological sister figure.
Notes:
• Aqua – Central figure mentioned throughout. Previously saved Earth and returned safely. Kanon’s beloved. Has a playful presence on the Bulletin Board. Not physically present in the chapter.
• Habu – Prime Minister of Earth. Delivers the emergency broadcast confirming extraterrestrial life. Speaks in official, formal tones.
• Emily-senpai – A senior figure addressed with the honorific -senpai. Speaks one line with edgy, performative coolness. Relationships and appearance unspecified.
• Emily – Co-pilot of the ZANBASTER mecha. Senior to Kanon. Speaks with refined Ojousama diction that she can drop in moments of genuine crisis. Uses theatrical explanations and maintains an aristocratic composure even during absurd situations. Has a tendency to deliver unnecessary but enthusiastic explanations about Kochi Prefecture’s cultural elements. Expresses approval through formal praise structures. Upperclassman to Kanon. Wears oversized pilot sunglasses and adopts a noble-lady speech pattern mid-mission. Combines pragmatic competence with theatrical romanticism. Deeply committed to protecting Earth and Aqua-sama. Has a playful, sometimes childish side that emerges during emotional moments.
• Kanon – Mentioned only in the author’s note. The character the author wanted to have call Emily “onee-sama.” No dialogue or description in the main text. Pilot of the ZANBASTER mecha. Member of the Verification Team. Young woman with a tendency toward rational thinking that she frequently abandons when things get absurd. Expresses embarrassment easily and serves as the straight man to the chaos around her. Maintains a close senior-junior relationship with Emily and Kaede. Speaks with casual, modern conversational patterns that shift to exaggerated reactions during combat. Protagonist and idol. Acts as the viewpoint character with a sarcastic, exasperated internal voice. Deeply protective of Aqua and unwilling to experience the pain of loss again. Frequently comments on the absurdity of the Holy Aqua Religion’s inventions. Carries unresolved feelings about Aqua’s past sacrifices.
• Ota – Project manager at Stock Company RX. Guides Kanon and Emily through the facility. Formal and professional. Acts as the mission control figure during the launch sequence.
• Hagetoru – Commentator associated with Kochi Prefecture’s cultural elements. Appears only in chat commentary delivering explanations and receiving honorary citizen status.
• Shirogane Aqua – Commentator who repeatedly expresses excitement about the battle through identical phrases. Appears only in chat commentary. The protagonist and narrator. A streamer/virtual personality who finds themself reluctantly at the center of absurd cosmic events. Exasperated by their own fanatical following. Speaks with casual, self-deprecating humor and dry exasperation.
• Kaede-senpai – A senior figure addressed with the honorific -senpai. No spoken dialogue. Relationships and appearance unspecified.
• Kaede – Senior pilot who joins the battle mid-way. Commands with clipped, procedural military speech patterns. Takes charge during combat situations with decisive orders. Pilots a separate spacecraft that combines with the ZANBASTER units. Speaks with direct, authoritative phrasing and minimal emotional expression except during combat commands.
• Yaotome – Mentioned doctor who developed the Hogetter Robot at the Hogewave Research Institute. Does not appear directly.
• Morikawa – Mentioned commentator whose arrival in space signals guaranteed victory. Appears only in chat commentary.
• Kohina Yukari – Commentator who asks what is happening during the Hogetter Robot reveal. Appears only in chat commentary.
• Nee-san – An older sister figure (not necessarily biological) addressed informally. No spoken dialogue. Relationships and appearance unspecified. Kanon and Emily’s older sister figure. Arrives late to the battle in a colossal spacecraft. Speaks with warm, familiar tones and expresses admiration for her junior colleagues. Enthusiastically participates in the transformation sequences despite Kanon’s embarrassment. Shows genuine pride in the team’s abilities.
• Matsuoka – Commentator who encourages the States Embassy not to give up. Appears only in chat commentary.
• Habu Chiyoko – Commentator who expresses excitement during the final transformation. Appears only in chat commentary.
• Kokucho Agewa – Commentator who questions the Prime Minister’s involvement. Appears only in chat commentary.
• Aqua-samaLMAO – Anonymous forum user and devoted follower of Shirogane Aqua. Posts with enthusiastic, casual language and uses internet shorthand. Reacts to events in real-time with exaggerated positivity.
• Worker-holic – A forum user who posts with a formal, almost bureaucratic tone despite the chaotic context. Claims to be a robot and announces their own sealing.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
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