Chapter 249 Until Completion
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
”Heh… hehehe. See? What did I tell you? Making the discharge opaque was definitely the right move,” I said with a smirk.
”I mean, yeah, it was strangely… exhilarating, I guess…” Kushe murmured.
”Never mind that! Satsuki, can you please take my place for the mana-syncing with the ‘Testicular Circuit’ ² next time?” Marsetta asked. “It gives me the most… unpleasant sensation…”
”No thank you,” Satsuki replied instantly. “I shall defer that ‘honor’ to my esteemed senior, Marsetta.”
Immediately following the spectacular success of the Ddo-Buddy Cannon’s ¹ test fire, our core team-Kushe, the lead court mage from the Coalmine Palace; Marsetta and Satsuki, court mages from the Canaria Kingdom; and myself-gathered to dissect the results.
”It’s not bad,” Kushe noted, “but the output is still lacking that final punch.”
”True,” I agreed. “And we still have no idea how dense the scales of our target, Zil Meina, actually are.”
”It shouldn’t be an issue, right?” Marsetta chimed in. “We can probably compensate by tightening the density of the Testicular Circuit.”
”Precisely,” Satsuki added. “The Testicular Circuit didn’t even show signs of scorching. I think we can produce a much… thicker discharge.”
As engineers, it’s second nature for us to dive into analysis the moment an experiment concludes. However, for the spectators who had just witnessed the Ddo-Buddy Cannon’s inaugural ejaculation, the luxury of scientific detachment was nowhere to be found.
Queen Cecile, Her Majesty; the Crown Princess, Her Highness; the high officials of the court; and the rest of the court mages all stood in stunned silence, their gazes fixed on the sky where the Semen Magic ⁴ had just dissipated. Her Majesty was the first to regain her voice.
”So… this is the power of the Ddo-Buddy Cannon…” Cecile whispered.
”We may have just commissioned something truly terrifying,” the Crown Princess added. “In more ways than one.”
”Never mind the power!” Prime Minister Samoro Dan finally exploded, his face flushed with panic. “What were you thinking, firing that thing over the capital?! The city is already on a knife’s edge with the dragon threat, and now the streets are going to be in a total uproar over… whatever that was!”
As Her Majesty and Her Highness continued to murmur in a daze, the Prime Minister went scurrying off to manage the inevitable public relations disaster. Admittedly, I might have overshot it a bit. After several all-nighters, I hadn’t exactly factored in the psychological impact on the local citizenry.
Still, you can’t build a magical weapon of mass destruction without a few test fires. Being a few miles out wouldn’t have hidden a blast that bright anyway. Besides, with monster activity spiking outside the walls, a field test was out of the question.
As I was mentally cataloging my excuses, Her Majesty approached us. I braced for a royal reprimand, but her expression was one of grim intensity.
”Lord Harvest, how long until it’s combat-ready?” the Queen asked.
”Well, I can probably have it finished in two weeks,” I answered. “Ideally, I’d like a month.”
”As you are well aware, Zil Meina could mobilize at any moment. You must work with the utmost haste.”
”I understand. If we can increase the frequency of the test fires, I can probably shave some time off the schedule.”
”And how frequent are we talking?” Her Majesty inquired.
”About three or four times a day.”
Her Majesty’s face soured, taking on a look of profound resignation. I couldn’t blame her, given what she’d just seen. But it was a technical necessity. The core problem now was finding the upper limit of the weapon’s destructive yield.
I already knew how to overclock the Testicular and Seminal Vesicle Circuits ³. The problem was durability. Completion meant finding the exact point where the cannon could deliver maximum devastation without melting itself into a puddle of slag. To find that limit, I needed data. One test every few days wouldn’t give us enough iterations to push the envelope.
I also needed to test it in the rain and during the night. We couldn’t exactly ask Zil Meina to only attack on a clear Tuesday afternoon. As I explained this, Her Majesty looked like she was developing a migraine.
”Also, if possible, I’d like to keep the Ddo-Buddy Cannon permanently installed here,” I added. “Moving it back and forth is a logistical nightmare.”
”You truly have no shame, do you?” She sighed. “I suppose it is necessary, but…”
”To be honest, I figured now was the best time to ask, while the Prime Minister is busy,” I said. “If Your Majesty gives the word, we can handle the fallout later.”
”Haa… Fine. Fine! Do whatever you want,” the Queen muttered. “I’ll take the heat for it.”
She was a generous Queen, as always. With the green light secured, all that was left was to build the most magnificent Ddo-Buddy Cannon the world had ever seen. But just as we were getting back to work, the rest of the court mages descended on us like they’d been waiting for their cue.
”Hey! You really did it this time, Lord Harvest!” one mage shouted. “You never told us the barrels we were forging were going to be used for this!”
”Yeah!” another added. “You said ‘just make a barrel that looks like a penis’! You didn’t say it was going to be a literal, giant, functioning cock! And that power is insane!”
”I told you guys I was building a high-output magical weapon!” I shouted back.
”Nobody looks at those blueprints and thinks you’re being serious!” a third mage yelled. “But if you are serious, then the game has changed! Let us in on this!”
The mages swarmed me, slapping my back and jostling me with the kind of rowdy energy that reminded me of my days being surrounded by thug adventurers. Despite their complaining, their eyes were shining like kids with a new toy. To see the Ddo-Buddy Cannon fire and react with that much enthusiasm-the Canaria Kingdom truly did have the finest minds in the land.
Or, more likely, they all just had the collective mental age of middle-schoolers who loved a good dirty joke. Actually, given how much they were chanting “dick, dick,” maybe elementary school was more accurate.
”Wow, Lord Harvest is quite the man of the people, isn’t he?” Kushe watched from the sidelines. “When I developed the focused-magic weapon back in the Coalmine Palace, everyone in the lab treated me like a pariah.”
”I don’t know if it’s popularity so much as he’s a natural-born charmer,” Marsetta mused. “Though I suppose we’re just as guilty for being swept up in his pace.”
”Kento has a habit of making the weirdest connections and surrounding himself with new women before you even realize it,” Satsuki added. “But honestly? I think it’s just the power of his late-night snacks.”
”Ah…” they both said in unison.
I could hear them gossiping about me in the distance. Look, I was an outsider, not a court mage. I did whatever I had to do to keep the research moving. And for a bunch of bachelor mages, a good midnight meal went a long way.
And so, nearly every court mage in the kingdom ended up drafted into the development of the Ddo-Buddy Cannon. A few of the female mages eventually arrived at the logical conclusion that perhaps the appearance and name didn’t actually need to be this literal, but they were quickly outvoted by the men, whose primary argument was that it was funnier this way.
After some “Ugh, men!” sighs and a bit of lobbying from Satsuki and the others, the technical superiority of the phallic design was eventually proven, and the project moved forward.
Even my alchemy mentor, the old man Kogima, jumped into the fray. He contributed a barrel-retraction feature with the equally idiotic name of the Erection Mechanism ⁵. Even the Head of the Court Mages, Dalffbull, came crawling over, complaining about being left out of the loop-mostly because he wanted in on the snacks.
At one point, the King’s younger brother, Prince Roland, almost stumbled upon the cannon in the courtyard. He was promptly chased away by his own maids, who screamed that His Highness’s eyes must not be defiled.
Despite the chaos, the Ddo-Buddy Cannon finally reached completion. By that time, the residents of the capital and the palace staff had actually grown accustomed to the thunderous booms and the flashes of opaque white light.
In fact, some of the more adventurous citizens were actually clamoring for a chance to see the great light fire in person. I suspected these were either men with the same maturity level as the court mages or some of my regular shop customers who had a specific obsession with Ddo-Buddy products.
Obviously, I couldn’t go public with a weapon that was a massive state secret, but I secretly hoped that one day, they’d build a non-functional replica as a tourist attraction. It would be a hell of a landmark.
But now that it was finished, it had to be deployed. The time for play was over. Most of the development team, save for a few mages, began the journey West. And among them, of course, were Kushe, Marsetta, and Satsuki.
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Summary:
Harvest Kento successfully test fires the phallic-shaped Ddo-Buddy Cannon over the capital city, causing a mix of awe and public panic. Queen Cecile reluctantly approves more frequent test fires to prepare for the dragon Zil Meina’s impending attack. The court mages, initially skeptical, become enthusiastically involved in the weapon’s development after witnessing its power. The chapter concludes with the cannon’s completion and the team’s departure to the West for deployment.
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Character Insight:
Harvest Kento demonstrates a masterclass in social manipulation, utilizing food to win over the court mages and political savvy to gain the Queen’s favor while the Prime Minister is distracted. The mages show a shift from academic distance to childlike wonder, highlighting how even high-level magic users can be swayed by the ‘cool factor’ of a powerful (if absurdly designed) weapon. Queen Cecile’s transition from shock to grim acceptance underscores the desperation of the kingdom’s situation.
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Behind the Scene:
This chapter leans heavily into the ‘shimoneta’ trope, contrasting high-fantasy stakes with juvenile comedy. The author uses the technical descriptions of the cannon to ground the absurdity in a pseudo-scientific reality typical of competence-themed isekai novels.
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T/L:
Notes:
• Kushe – The Chief Mage of the Coalmine Kingdom. She has dark green hair grown out haphazardly and wears a mage robe loosely over her shoulders. She has a blunt, informal, and somewhat insensitive personality, focused on her ‘thinking experiments.’
• Marsetta – A senior court mage and specialist in magical weaponry. She has disheveled hair tied back, wears glasses, and has deep dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She hasn’t eaten in two days and is under heavy pressure to find a countermeasure for the enemy’s weapons.
• Satsuki – A talented Court Mage who was forced to analyze the shop’s adult magic tools. Miranda’s granddaughter. Now she’s the new worker at Harvest, a development she finds both humiliating and surprisingly fulfilling due to the rapid progress in her research under Kento’s guidance. Has long black hair, palace mage robe, and staff.
• Cecile – A high-ranking, powerful woman in the capital who possesses the authority to regulate business and commerce, particularly concerning moral or public order issues. She is currently investigating Kento’s shop, ‘Harvest.’ Have long golden hair, elegant, and wearing expensive white dress with gold accesories.
• Samoro – A middle-aged Marquis and Prime Minister with a lot of white hair, a magnificent mustache, and luxurious attire. He is a key figure in the court who has supported the Queen since her enthronement.
• Kento – The owner of the magic tool shop ‘Harvest,’ which discretely sells adult goods. He’s a former overworked, ordinary salaryman from modern Japan who was suddenly transported (isekai’d) to this fantasy world. He has dark hair and an unremarkable appearance, typically wearing a plain, slightly suspicious-looking shop owner’s clothes looks like Kazuma Satou from certain series. He has a minimal amount of magic power, enough to craft his specialty items.
• Kogima – Kento’s alchemy master. A middle-aged man who is a henpecked husband to his wife, Josephine.
• Roland – he younger brother of Queen Cecile and the heir apparent to the Canaria throne. Clean, golden-blonde hair, same color as the Queen, innocent, beautiful face that could be mistaken for a girl but dressed in a boy’s formal wear.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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