Volume 13 Chapter 376 Shirogane Aqua, True Motives
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
After seeing Fran-chan¹ off, a woman in a business suit came walking toward us, sighing ostentatiously.
”Oh, what am I going to do?! If only I had someone to talk to at a time like this!” she cried.
Is something wrong? Is she in trouble?
Just as a worried version of myself tried to approach, Kohina-senpai and Inko-san grabbed my sleeves, holding me back.
”Stop! Are you seriously just going to let yourself be scammed like that?!” Kohina-senpai barked.
”Yeah! Aqua-kun, look closely. Doesn’t she have the face of a stage actress? No matter how you look at it, she’s just an extra planted here by the ‘Berry-Berry’² producer,” Inko-san added.
”Eh?!” I gasped.
Well, now that they mentioned it, the timing was suspiciously perfect. Still, I’m not the kind of person who can just overlook someone in distress right in front of me. I gently pried my sleeves away from Kohina-senpai and Inko-san’s grip.
”Even if that’s true, it would be awful if she actually were in trouble. I’m just going to go say hello!” I said.
”Hey! Honestly… you’re hopeless. Well, I guess that part of you isn’t entirely bad,” Kohina-senpai muttered, crossing her arms and pouting.
”Sayamu! Habu! OUT!” a voice boomed.
Huh? What happened to those two? Was there something funny just now?
Suddenly, Prime Minister Habu and Inko-san were swarmed by the “Spanking Sisters,” who began whacking their backsides with harisen³ fans. Whack! Crack!
”Ow! Hey, Yukari! Are you being ‘tsun’ or ‘dere’? Make up your mind!” Inko-san yelled.
”Ha?! What are you talking about? Where do you see any ‘dere’ in me?!” Kohina-senpai snapped back.
She had a point. If Kohina-senpai was being sweet, someone should really point it out to me. Regardless, I had to talk to the lady in trouble.
”Hello! Are you having some trouble? I’d be happy to help if I can!” I called out.
”Ah, Aqua-sama… well, actually, I work in this field…” the woman said, handing me a business card from her holder.
I see. A wedding planner. Come to think of it, Ai’s writing work seemed to have settled down, so I’d been thinking we should start preparing for our kekkonshiki⁴ ceremony soon.
”I see. So, why the heavy sigh?” I asked.
”The truth is, the two actors I booked to play the bride and groom for a promotional video fell through at the last minute. I’m in a real bind,” the planner explained.
I remembered the time I met Ako-san while shopping with Toa. Has it really been over a year? How nostalgic. Well, this must be fate. I decided to help.
”If you’re okay with it, I’d be happy to take the groom’s role,” I offered.
”Really?! Oh, I knew you’d say that, Aqua-sama!” the woman cried.
Her gloomy face vanished, replaced by a brilliant smile. Even if this was a setup, seeing her smile made me feel satisfied.
”Hey, the preamble is way too long. Get to the point. We know it’s a setup anyway,” Kohina-senpai interrupted.
Kohina-senpai… if it is a setup, pointing it out like that is just bad manners! Honestly, just play along for a bit.
”Sayamu! Habu! OUT!“
”That one was unavoidable! It’s because Yukari did a straight-up tsukkomi⁵! You don’t call it out at that timing, even if you know it’s coming!” Inko-san complained.
Ignoring Inko-san and Prime Minister Habu getting their rears thrashed in the background, I continued my conversation with the lady.
”Ah… but, the bride’s role…” I trailed off.
Right. I couldn’t do it alone. I looked back at the group of five behind me. Well, Prime Minister Habu is married, and Kohina-senpai is out of the question…
”In that case, leave it to me!” Tenga-senpai said, raising a hand and stepping forward.
”T-Tenga-senpai, are you serious?!” I asked.
”Look at my face, junior,” Tenga-senpai replied.
I stared intently at Tenga-senpai’s face. That expression, those eyes full of heat-there was no mistake. That was the face of a man who had made his peace with the world.
”Tenga-senpai… you know what, maybe I should just play the bride then,” I suggested.
”I’m fine with either,” Tenga-senpai said.
Actually, height-wise, that probably balanced better anyway. As I was thinking that, the four behind us and the producer all burst out laughing.
”Shirogane, Kohina, Sayamu, Habu, Tenga, Producer! OUT!“
”Eh? Me too?!” the Producer cried.
”I couldn’t help it! You can’t ask someone not to laugh at that!” another shouted.
The Producer grumbled but stuck her rear out anyway. As expected of the ‘Berry-Berry’ producer; her commitment to variety show standards was on a different level.
”Umm, while I appreciate Tenga Akira-san’s offer, we have to consider the height balance…” the planner said tentatively.
”No, like I said, I can just be the bride…” I repeated.
The wedding planner looked troubled by my proposal.
”I need the bride to be a woman. Specifically, an ‘older’ woman who’s a bit of a dreamer… an author with a lot of troublesome fans, a difficult personality, and someone who’s frankly losing the battle against reality. I don’t suppose a woman like that is just standing around somewhere?!” the planner asked.
”Excuse me?! You’re definitely talking about me! And ‘a bit’? You’re straight-up insulting me! Hey, I’m just imagining things, right?! Right?!” Shirosaki Ai yelled.
Ai… I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but asking me to keep a straight face through that was impossible.
”Shirogane, Kohina, Tenga, Sayamu, Habu! OUT!“
I took it like a man and stuck my rear out. It was better to just take the hit than to try and make excuses.
”Wait… am I supposed to accept this? Ah… fine. If you’re okay with me, I’ll help…” Ai sighed.
”Hooray! Thank you so much!” the planner cried.
The woman, now incredibly energetic, practically shoved us toward the nearby wedding venue.
”This is the venue where I work!” she announced.
””””Whoa!”””” we all exclaimed.
It was much larger than I expected. Beyond the main building, there was a separate chapel and a massive outdoor area for garden parties.
”Wow… a chapel in the woods. How lovely,” Ai said, her eyes sparkling.
I see. So Ai likes this kind of setting. I made a mental note to remember this for when we had our actual wedding.
”Alright then, Hakuryuu-sensei⁶, we need to get you fitted for your dress. Would you come this way?” the planner asked.
”Oh, alright. I’m coming,” Ai replied.
After Ai was led away, the ‘Berry-Berry’ producer approached the five of us with a smirk. Am I the only one getting a really bad feeling about this? We all braced ourselves.
”Actually, there’s something I want you all to see,” the Producer said.
She pulled out a notebook she’d been carrying like a treasure. Come to think of it… the other day, Emily and Kaede found a black notebook in Kanon’s bookshelf. Kanon had chased them down with a beet-red face. I wondered what was in it, but the moment I even mentioned the words “Black Notebook,” the light died in Kanon’s eyes and she just stared at me, so I never asked.
”What’s this? It looks pretty old,” Kohina-senpai said, flipping through the pages.
”Let’s see… ‘My Ideal Wedding. I want to ride in a pumpkin carriage prepared by a magical grandma, wearing a pure white princess dress! Surrounded by friends, family, and even the forest animals, I’ll marry a prince-like man who looks good on a white horse in a chapel in the woods. Then we’ll all eat delicious food and cake in a palace. At the end, I’ll throw my bouquet from a castle balcony to share the happiness!’ …Wow. Does whoever wrote this have cotton candy for brains?” Kohina-senpai scoffed.
Wait, Kohina-senpai! It was a bit “fairy tale,” but was it okay to be that blunt?!
In the background, I could already hear the thwack of Inko-san and Prime Minister Habu getting punished.
”Kohina-san, look at the cover,” the Producer said.
Kohina-senpai closed the notebook and looked at the name on the front.
”Hmm? What’s it say… ‘1st Grade, Class 2, Shirosaki Ai’? …Wait, this is Hakuryuu-sensei’s?!” Kohina-senpai screamed.
”What?!” I gasped.
No way. Ai wrote that? It seemed a bit childish even for her… oh, 1st Grade. She was a literal child. Okay, that makes sense.
Behind us, the sound of Inko-san and Prime Minister Habu getting their rears slapped echoed through the air once more.
”Actually, that wasn’t in elementary school, it was when I was in high school.”
””Eh!?””
Not elementary school, but high school—are you serious!?
Behind us, Inko-san and Prime Minister Habu were getting their third round of butt-slapping.
”Wait a minute! Then, if we calculate based on the year and age written here, we can figure out Hakuryuu-sensei’s real age!?”
”Kohina Yukari-san…”
The producer of ‘Berry-Berry’ grabbed Kohina-senpai’s arm with a face more serious than I’d ever seen.
W-What’s the matter? You were just smirking a second ago…
”Kohina Yukari-san, you mustn’t pry any further. Dead bodies will appear among the viewers in the same generation as Hakuryuu-sensei.”
”I… I get it already.”
Behind a submissive Kohina-senpai, Prime Minister Habu and Inko-san were getting their asses slapped in a light rhythm. Hey, you over there, you’ve been laughing this whole time, are you okay!?
”And so, everyone, please look at this!!”
Emily came out holding a sign that said ‘Surprise Success’.
Eh!? What do you mean by a surprise!?
”That’s how it is. From now on, I will explain the real project only to all of you!!”
”””””Eeeeeeeeeee!?”””””
What’s the real project!?
We looked at each other with surprised faces.
”Actually, after an editor found this, they told us they wanted to present a dream Wedding to Hakuryuu-sensei, who has worked so hard for us until now!! Upon hearing that wish, although it’s meddling, we decided to gift her a dream Wedding!!”
”No, no, even Hakuryuu-sensei needs to prepare! Look, I don’t know much about it, but there’s dieting and stuff!!”
No, what do you mean you don’t know? You’re a girl too, Kohina-senpai!!
While making a tsukkomi in my heart, I agreed with Kohina-senpai’s words. The first Wedding is something special. Ai is naturally beautiful, but she’d probably still want to polish herself up.
”Ah, about that, actually, for the past six months, we’ve had Hakuryuu-sensei doing a fake diet project specifically for this show. We received permission from all ten exclusive trainers in charge of Hakuryuu-sensei that her condition is now perfect!”
”The preparation period is insane!! Also, Hakuryuu-sensei, you should’ve suspected something the moment ten trainers were assigned to you!!”
Seriously…
Between the length of the prep period and everything else, I really thought ‘Berry-Berry’ was borderline psychotic.
”Oh, by the way, speaking of preparation, we had 100 fortune tellers pick the wedding date a year ago and reserved the venue. Additionally, this show paid for the forest chapel and the interior of this venue to be renovated to match Hakuryuu-sensei’s tastes. Also, the staff of this show has already handled the discussions with all related parties for tomorrow’s ceremony, as well as the schedule adjustments for the attendees, so please rest assured.”
”No, no, no! The scale is clearly different! You’ve dumped a budget in there that definitely can’t be recouped, is that okay!?”
C-Certainly…
No matter how large the ‘Big Hoof’ program budget is, there’s no way that amount can be recouped.
”There is no problem! To carry out this project, we have received permission to use money like water from the personal pocket money of the highest authority, President Fuji Ranko, as well as personal investments from the executives of large companies who sponsor this program, and from Shirogane Aqua-san’s wife, Shirogane Kanon-san, and her grandmother, Mary-sama!!”
Seriously.
Eh? Kanon is paying out of her own money so she’s not touching mine?
Don’t say such distant things!! Of course, I’m going to pay for everything!!
”And so, Shirogane Aqua-san. After fitting for your suit, please go buy the Wedding rings with Hakuryuu-sensei once she’s done with her dress fitting!! Actually, as you can see by the guards here, we had every ring vendor currently selling in Japan come here today!!”
”You’re lying, right!?”
Wait, everyone, I’m really sorry about our crazy program!!
I bowed and apologized repeatedly.
In the end, we’ll only buy one Wedding ring, but that would be a shame, so I’ll buy something for Ai and everyone else as a present too.
”Now then, without further ado, Tenga Akira-san. Could we ask you to play the role of the priest?”
”Of course. Leave it to me!!”
Thank you, Tenga-senpai.
But, a priest doesn’t need dual-wielded pistols!!
”Sayamu Inko-san, please play the role of the magic-using Grandma! If we use special effects makeup so your original face can’t be recognized, you can appear without a mosaic!!”
”Why!! Well, I guess it’s fine!!”
Ah… that’s right. Because Inko-san is a Vtuber, she’s always blurred out. In that case, was all the facial acting until now unnecessary…? I thought that for a moment, but realized halfway through it was a waste of time and stopped thinking deeply about it.
”Prime Minister Habu will be the witness for the two of them! In this country, there is no better witness than Prime Minister Habu!!”
”I accept!!”
Thank you, Prime Minister Habu!
Alright! Now everyone’s roles are decided!!
Wait, huh? Kohina-senpai, why do you have such a dejected face? Ah, maybe you’re the only one left…
”Kohina Yukari-san has the most important role.”
”Fufun, I know. Whether it’s the matchmaker or the MC, leave it to me!!”
The ‘Berry-Berry’ producer handed something brown to the puffed-out Kohina-senpai.
”What’s this?”
”It’s a bear cub costume, one of the animals that will bless the Wedding.”
The four of us, excluding Kohina-senpai, burst out laughing all at once.
”Wait, don’t mess with me!!”
”No, we’re not messing around, we’re serious. If we actually called a real bear, Shirogane Aqua-san would just turn it into bear meat, so this role can only be done by Kohina Yukari-san!!”
True!!
We nodded vigorously at the ‘Berry-Berry’ producer’s suggestion.
”That’s right. Only Kohina-senpai can do this role.”
”Yeah. Honestly, I’d rather do that one myself. I mean, I’m playing a magic hag, right?”
”It’s just as everyone says. Only Kohina Yukari-san can do it!!”
”I… I think so too. Pfft.”
Tenga-senpai, don’t laugh!! Please hold it in properly!!
Kohina-senpai, buoyed by our praise, put on a self-satisfied face.
”H-Hmm, well if that’s the case, I guess I could do it?”
As expected of Choro-Hina-senpai.
Kohina-senpai, I love how ‘easy’ you are!!
”Fine. But in exchange, if the person herself says she doesn’t want to do it on the show! You have to stop it immediately, okay?”
”I ask that as well. If Ai hates it, I want to stop, and I’ll reimburse all the costs.”
The ‘Berry-Berry’ producer nodded with a serious face at our proposal.
”Yes, Hakuryuu-sensei’s happiness is the absolute priority for us as well. If she says she disliked it, we don’t mind scrapping the project!”
”Alright! Now that it’s decided, let’s do this, everyone!!”
We formed a huddle and raised our fists to psych ourselves up.
Huh? Come to think of it, I feel like I’m forgetting something…
”Shirogane! Kohina! Tenga! Sayamu! Habu! Everyone’s Out!!”
”Dammit, I thought they let us slide!!”
Having been properly counted just now, we submissively stuck out our rears and got slapped.
Damn! What a totally uncool way to end it!!
—
Summary:
Aqua and his group are roped into a ‘Batsu Game’ variety show scenario where they must participate in a wedding promotional shoot. A wedding planner ‘roasts’ Shirosaki Ai (Hakuryuu-sensei) into playing the bride, matching her secret childhood ideals perfectly. The chapter ends with the discovery of Ai’s embarrassing 1st-grade ‘Ideal Wedding’ notebook.
The cast of the ‘Berry-Berry’ program discovers that the previous ‘age reveal’ was a fake-out for a massive surprise wedding for Hakuryuu-sensei. The producer reveals the insane level of preparation involved, including 100 fortune tellers and a year of planning. The team accepts their roles for the ceremony, but ends up getting slapped as a penalty for their earlier ‘outs’.
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Trivia:
- The ‘Out!’ announcements are a parody of Gaki no Tsukai variety shows.
- Aqua offered to play the bride because he is shorter than Tenga Akira.
- The ‘Black Notebook’ mentioned earlier belongs to Kanon, distinct from Ai’s 1st-grade notebook.
- The setting is a world with a 1:99 male-to-female ratio where gender roles are reversed.
- Prime Minister Habu is participating in the slapstick punishment alongside the others
- The ‘Butt-slapping’ is a Batsu Game penalty common in Japanese variety shows.
- Hakuryuu-sensei was tricked into a 6-month diet under the guise of a different TV project.
- Inko-san is a Vtuber, explaining why she normally has a ‘mosaic’ or blurred face on camera.
- The budget is being funded by multiple ultra-wealthy individuals, including Aqua’s wife Kanon
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Character Insight:
Aqua’s genuine desire to help overrides his common sense, but he’s beginning to take the ‘Batsu’ punishments in stride. Ai’s vulnerability is exposed through her childhood dreams, showing a softer side beneath her cynical author persona.
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Behind the Scenes:
The ‘Batsu Game’ (punishment game) is a staple of Japanese New Year comedy, where participants are hit if they laugh. The ‘Harisen’ (slapping fan) is a classic prop in Manzai comedy.
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TL Notes:
Please bookmark this series and rate ☆☆☆☆☆ on here!
Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
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