Volume 13 Chapter 375 Shirogane Aqua, You Must Not Laugh
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
This all happened long before the end of the year, even before Ai’s pregnancy was discovered. It was a typical afternoon when six of us were gathered in some random park: myself, Kohina-senpai, Tenga-senpai, Ai, Inko-san, and Prime Minister Habu.
”So? Why exactly are we all being gathered here?” Kohina-senpai asked.
As expected of Kohina-senpai, she didn’t miss a beat. Even with the cameras already rolling, she was casually slurping down a cup of instant ramen. Honestly, the rest of us were starving too, so I wished she’d show a little more restraint.
”Alright! I’ll be the one to explain the project!” the Producer of Berry-Berry announced.
She held up a flipboard for us to see. Let’s see… The 24-Hour Absolute No-Laughing Battle¹?! What is this, a rip-off of that one show?
”From this moment on, for the next twenty-four hours, laughing is strictly prohibited,” the Producer said.
”No way! If you take away my laughs, I’ve got nothing left!” Inko-san shouted.
”Yeah, what she said!” Prime Minister Habu added.
The two of them stepped forward as if on cue. I couldn’t help but wonder why Inko-san was appearing in the flesh when she’s supposed to be a VTuber. A stand-in for Kaede? Ah, I see. Kaede was originally slated for this, but her pregnancy meant Inko-san had to take over at the last minute. And as for the Prime Minister… is it really okay for her to be on a variety show? Won’t Agewa-san scold her later? She claims it’s fine because she’s appearing as a “freelancer” today, but I have my doubts.
”Every time you laugh, ten thousand yen will be deducted from your appearance fee as a fine. If you exceed your fee, you’ll be paying out of pocket, so be very careful,” the Producer warned. “Rest assured, all confiscated fines will be donated to charity. Also, a ‘butt-slapping’ punishment awaits anyone who laughs, so you’d better endure it!”
This is impossible. You can’t just “be careful” not to laugh.
”And… the program starts now!” the Producer yelled.
”Wait, what?” I stammered. It’s already started?
”That’s ridiculous!” Inko-san cried.
”The opening is way too sloppy!” Prime Minister Habu added.
The two of them immediately jumped in with the retorts for me. I wondered if the Prime Minister was actually a professional comedian in her spare time.
”If you worry about the small stuff, you’ll just be at the mercy of this show forever,” Kohina-senpai muttered.
Senpai, how long are you going to keep eating that ramen?!
”Um… are Berry-Berry projects always this disorganized?” Ai asked.
I just nodded silently. Ai spends most of her time in the studio, so she doesn’t know what it’s like on-site. This is just how Berry-Berry operates.
”Anyway, there’s no point standing around here. Shall we find somewhere to grab lunch?” Tenga-senpai suggested.
”Great idea, Tenga-senpai! I’m actually starving,” I replied.
I was glad Tenga-senpai was here. He’s used to the Berry-Berry chaos. A reliable senior really makes a difference. I quietly averted my eyes from my other senior, who had finished her ramen and was already demanding dessert.
”Should we just head to that family restaurant right there?” I asked.
Everyone agreed in unison. Our first order of business was to fill our stomachs.
”Hmm?”
On the way to the restaurant, I heard a rustling sound coming from the bushes nearby. I stepped forward instinctively, spreading my arms to hold the others back. The pressure was intense. If it was a wild beast, I’d have to protect everyone with my life. While I was lost in my hero fantasies, a familiar figure suddenly burst from the brush.
”I’m in trouble! I’m late, I’m late!”
It was Kaede, sprinting past us with a slice of toast in her mouth. Inko-san and Prime Minister Habu immediately lost it.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: HABU, SAYAMU—OUT!
”Wait, what?” I asked, confused.
A Berry-Berry staff member wearing a masquerade mask emerged, looking far too happy as they brandished a heavy paper fan².
”Hold on a minute! That was cheating!” Inko-san screamed. “Why was she sprinting?! If she’s that energetic, I didn’t need to be her stand-in!”
I and Kohina-senpai burst out laughing at Inko-san’s perfect comedic timing³.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: SHIROGANE, KOHINA—OUT!
Wait, no! That’s not fair! Are we seriously getting penalized for laughing at our own teammate’s retort? Kohina-senpai immediately turned on Inko-san.
”Inko! Because of you, I’m getting thrashed! Just shut up for a second!” Kohina-senpai snapped.
”Hey! Telling someone from Kansai to shut up is like telling them to stop breathing!” Inko-san shot back.
Ai and Tenga-senpai couldn’t hold back their laughter at Inko-san’s follow-up.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: HAKURYUU, TENGA—OUT!
”That’s everyone!” I yelled. It hadn’t even been a minute! I wondered if we were actually going to make it through the day.
”Alright, staff! Everyone except Shirogane Aqua-san… assume the position!” the Producer commanded.
Everyone except me? The five of them bent over, and the masked women moved in with practiced ease, swinging their fans with a sharp WHACK.
”Ow! Hey! That girl definitely hit me harder than the others!” Kohina-senpai yelped.
In that instant, the other five of us doubled over.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: SHIROGANE, TENGA, HAKURYUU, HABU, SAYAMU—OUT!
”No way! That shouldn’t count!” Inko-san complained.
”Yeah! What she said!” the Prime Minister added.
This was bad. We hadn’t moved an inch from the starting point. At this rate, we’d be camping out in this park all night.
”Quiet! Any more complaints and the next one will be a double-slap!” a staffer warned.
”Damn it… this is so rigged,” Inko-san muttered.
The women with the fans delivered their hits in a rhythmic sequence. WHACK. WHACK. WHACK.
”Ow!”
Prime Minister Habu clutched her backside and started hopping around after the final blow. I looked at the staff member who had slapped her. Those curves… wait, was that who I thought it was?
”Excuse me, miss, could you be a little more—ow!” the Prime Minister started to say.
She realized the truth at the same moment I did, and her face went pale.
”And now, allow me to introduce the dedicated executioner for Prime Minister Habu… Congressman Kokucho Agewa!” the Producer announced.
”Geh!” the Prime Minister choked out.
Agewa-san removed her mask and puffed out her cheeks in a pout at the Prime Minister.
”Don’t ‘geh’ me! I don’t care if it’s a holiday, you’re still the Prime Minister of Japan! At least show some discretion in the jobs you take! Honestly! Since the other Congressmen asked me to handle this, I’m going to make sure every slap counts!”
Man, I’m jealous, I thought. I want Agewa-san to slap my butt too! I want her to scold me! A truly pathetic, masculine desire was welling up inside me.
”You really are a hopeless idiot,” Kohina-senpai sighed, looking at me with a mix of pity and exasperation. “Though I guess when someone is this dumb, it almost becomes cute after a while…”
”By the way, Hakuryuu and Sayamu, you’re out,” Agewa-san added coolly. “I saw those smirks. We’re watching everything on the slow-motion cameras!”
”Are you serious?! You can’t be! Ow! Hey, I was still talking! Don’t get lazy just because it’s the third time!” Inko-san cried out.
I’ll say it now: I hadn’t been hit a single time yet. But I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t stop laughing.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: SHIROGANE, KOHINA, TENGA, HABU—OUT!
”It’s never going to end!” Tenga-senpai groaned.
Inko-san, please, for the love of god, just stop talking! We are in serious trouble!
Everyone was tenderly rubbing their sore backsides after the fans hit home. And then, it was my turn.
”Alright, the executioner for Shirogane Aqua-san’s first punishment is… this person!” the Producer said.
He gestured toward a van with Berry-Berry stickers all over it. The sliding door hissed open, and a familiar face stepped out.
”Hehe. A-chan… your first spanking is going to be from Shitori-onee-chan!”
Shitori-onee-chan?! Having grown up in a foster home in my previous life, I had a very specific dream of being scolded by a beautiful, big-breasted older sister.
”Excuse me. Can I request the ‘direct’ method?” I asked.
”Direct?!” the Producer shouted, looking shocked.
This was a matter of pride. If I was going to be punished, I didn’t want some paper fan. I wanted the real thing—the palm of her hand! Despite how I look, I love a woman who knows how to lay down the law.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: SAYAMU, HABU—OUT!
”Oh, come on! How are we supposed to keep a straight face after that?!” Inko-san yelled.
”Congressman Kokucho, please, be gentle—ahhh!” the Prime Minister screamed.
The sound of their punishment rang out like a drum solo in a jazz bar. Smack. Smack.
”Fufu. Well then, since A-chan has been a naughty boy, he needs a lesson. Turn around and show me your bottom,” Shitori-onee-chan said.
”Yes, ma’am!” I replied instantly.
I threw away all my dignity and presented myself to her. I wanted my juniors to see this. Just because you’re a male idol doesn’t mean you can be picky about your work. If you’re a man, you have to give it your all! Maruo! Kujaku! Hajime! Are you watching?! This is your senior, Shirogane Aqua, giving his life for a variety show!
”Jeez, A-chan is so cute. You really wanted your big sister to scold you that much, didn’t you? There we go… patter-patter.”
Smack! Shitori-onee-chan gave my backside a series of gentle, playful swats.
”Hey! Why is his punishment so gentle?!” Kohina-senpai screamed. “I’m getting thrashed over here!”
[ANNOUNCEMENT]: HAKURYUU, HABU, SAYAMU—OUT!
The sound of the fans hitting them was like a heavenly trumpet to my ears. I had found it. This was paradise.
”By the way, A-chan… even though you have a real big sister like me, is it true you’ve been secretly playing ‘Big Sister and Little Brother’⁴ with Victoria-san and Maron-san?” Shitori-onee-chan asked.
”Hiee!” I squeaked.
Wait, what? I was in a warm paradise just a second ago, but suddenly it turned freezing. It was strange. My backside was breaking out in a cold sweat under the icy aura Shitori-onee-chan was radiating.
”My, my. That’s odd. A-chan wouldn’t do something like that with other women when he could just ask his real big sister for anything, right? There’s no way you’d do that… right?”
”I’M SO SORRY!” I screamed.
As I made my frantic apology, Shitori-onee-chan began to swat my bottom again, but this time, her touch was heavy, slow, and far more lingering.
I’ve crawled back from the brink of death more times than I can count, but today, an unprecedented sense of doom is closing in on me.
”Fufu, such a good, honest boy. Big Sis loves that honest side of you best, A-chan,” Shitori-onee-chan said.
”Yes! I couldn’t agree more!!” I replied.
Shitori-onee-chan, her smile finally returning to normal, gives my backside a gentle pat. Phew. For a split second there, I had a flashback to those days of hellish training with my masters, where every day was a coin toss with the Reaper.
”Alright, we’re done. Now then, A-chan, Big Sis has some work left to finish, so I’ve got to run. See you later!” Shitori-onee-chan said.
”U-um. Good luck with work, Shitori-onee-chan!” I called out.
Safe! I have no idea where the leak came from, but next time we engage in that kind of play, I’ve got to be way more careful.
”Habu, Sayamu… OUT!” the announcer boomed.
”Aaaaaagh! And here I thought she was gonna let us slide!!” Habu shouted.
”You can’t ask me not to laugh at that! It’s physically impossible!!” Sayamu cried.
I wonder if those two are going to be okay. We’re barely at the starting line and they’ve already had over 50,000 yen docked from their appearance fees.
”By the way, that appearance by Morikawa-san wasn’t a plant by the staff. It was a genuine, total coincidence,” a producer noted.
”No way! That’s just plain unfair!” Sayamu yelled.
Before the “Out” call can even be made, we all line up in a row, presenting our rear ends. It’s terrifying how quickly we’re adjusting to this routine.
”Ouch… Man, I’m gonna have zero pay left at this rate,” Inko-san muttered.
”Must be nice, Inko-san. I’m not even in the celebrity bracket, so I’m already deep in the red!” Sayamu added.
We all burst out laughing at the sight of Prime Minister Habu casually pulling her actual wallet out of her pocket. Oh, right. I forgot that the cultural figure bracket gets paid peanuts for these shows.
”Shirogane Aqua, Kohina, Tenga, Hakuryuu, Sayamu… OUT!!”
I get cracked with the Harisen⁵ paper fan just like everyone else. It’s bearable for now, but after a few more rounds of this, it’s gonna seriously sting.
”Look, let’s just stop! For now, let’s head to that family restaurant over there and promise not to say a single word. Deal?” I suggested.
”Agreed!!” everyone shouted in unison.
Everyone nods emphatically at my suggestion. To escape this infinite loop of hell, we limp toward the nearby family restaurant in total silence, nursing our bruised backsides. Upon arrival, we’re greeted by Emily. She’s wearing a twisted headband and one of those “Big Catch” happi coats you always see at the big sushi chains.
”Welcome! Step right up! How many in your party!?” Emily asked.
”Shirogane Aqua, Kohina, Tenga, Hakuryuu, Sayamu, Habu… EVERYONE OUT!!”
No, no, no!! That’s just cheating!! There’s no way you can stay stoic through that. As if on cue, the five others are smacked in one fluid motion. Wait, they skipped me again? I’m safe for now? Got it.
”Hey, listen here! This is supposed to be a family restaurant! Why are you dressed in that confusing getup?!” Inko-san demanded.
”What are you talking about? Look, just look at this statue,” Emily replied.
Looking closer at the entrance, there’s a life-sized statue of Emily with her arms spread wide to the sides.
”This is a meat specialty shop: Meat-Zanmai⁶!” Emily announced.
”Shirogane Aqua, Kohina, Tenga, Hakuryuu, Sayamu, Habu… EVERYONE OUT!!”
I told you, it’s too confusing!! The building looks like a standard diner, and Emily is the spitting image of a sushi chef from that one famous chain, so why on earth is this a meat joint?!
”Can I just go home now? Please?” Tenga-senpai groaned.
”A party of six! Right this way!!” Emily chirped.
Emily ignores our protests and herds us into the restaurant. She seats us at the counter, then hops over to the other side to face us.
”Alright then, what can I toss together for ya?” Emily asked.
”See?! You ARE a sushi chef!!” Inko-san yelled.
Emily looks genuinely hurt by Inko-san’s tsukkomi.
”I keep telling you, we specialize in meat nigiri!” Emily insisted.
”There is a limit to how much you can mess with us!!” Kohina-senpai barked.
Everyone except me stands up in unison, ready to take their medicine. Such noble resolve.
”Shirogane Aqua, Kohina, Tenga, Hakuryuu, Sayamu, Habu… EVERYONE OUT!!”
Prime Minister Habu, whose paycheck has already vanished into the abyss, pulls out her wallet again to pay the mounting fines. Wait a sec, if she keeps pulling out her wallet, isn’t everyone’s private appearance fee gonna be leaked? Isn’t that a total PR disaster? I started to worry, but then I remembered: this is Berry-Berry⁷. Logic doesn’t live here. We settle back into our seats and scan the menu. Food. We need food. You can’t fight on an empty stomach.
”Chef, what do you recommend?” Prime Minister Habu asked.
”Oh, sorry. I’m not the Head Chef. I’m actually just a part-time apprentice. Today’s my first day,” Emily admitted.
Prime Minister Habu slams a 10,000 yen bill onto the table and stands up. Behold, the leader of our nation. What incredible decisiveness.
”Are you kidding me?! You’re oozing Head Chef energy! And if it’s your first day, why does your name tag say Acting Manager?! That’s the most aggressive promotion track I’ve ever seen!!” Inko-san screamed.
Wait, seriously?! We all squint at the name tag pinned to Emily’s happi coat. Damn, Inko-san is sharp. Instead of laughing, I found myself in awe of her professional commitment to finding the punchline.
”Hey, didn’t the elders use to say we should eat in silence?” I asked.
”Good point. Let’s do a silent meal challenge,” Hakuryuu-sensei agreed.
Screw the screen time. If we keep this up, the Prime Minister is going to be filing for bankruptcy before dessert. We order Emily’s recommendation and shove the meat sushi into our mouths in dead silence. Phew. I was worried the food itself would be a gag, but it was actually delicious. Nice to see they aren’t wasting good ingredients for a laugh.
”That’ll be 47,300 yen including tax for the six of you!” Emily announced.
Wait, what? Hakuryuu-sensei, Inko-san, Madam Prime Minister… why are you guys suddenly losing it?
”Hakuryuu, Sayamu, Habu… OUT!”
The three of them line up and present their targets.
”Dammit… I can’t believe I folded for something so stupid!” Hakuryuu-sensei hissed.
”I’ve always been weak to the simple stuff!!” Inko-san sobbed.
”Waaaaah! Emily-chan, you meanie!!” Habu cried.
The trio gets blasted by the harisen, eyes welling up with tears. I figured I’d try to be the hero and settle the bill while they were being punished, but Kohina-senpai beat me to the punch.
”Listen, kid. If you think you’re paying when you’re out to eat with me, you’re a hundred million years too early. Got it? I don’t care how old you get, I will always be your senior, and that makes you the junior. Forever!” Kohina-senpai declared.
”Hah. What she said, rookie. We’ll take the free meal,” Tenga-senpai added.
Tenga-senpai tucks his wallet back away.
”Thank you very much. We appreciate the meal,” we all say, bowing to Kohina-senpai.
Wait… she paid so smoothly I just went along with it, but this is a TV set, right?! Since when do the actors pay for the catering?! Unreal. Berry-Berry really is on another level. But hey, if the money goes to charity and puts a smile on someone’s face this New Year, I guess it’s not so bad. Besides, with this group, nobody’s gonna lose sleep over a few yen. As we stepped out of the restaurant, the program’s van was idling at the curb.
”Alright! The executioner for Shirogane Aqua’s butt-spanking punishment is… this lovely lady!” the director shouted.
The van’s sliding door hissed open, and out stepped Fran-chan with the most innocent smile I’ve ever seen.
”Aqua-sama! Your precious Fran is here for you!” Fran-chan chirped.
Wait, hold on!! Is this even legal to broadcast?! I looked at the camera, my face pale with panic.
”Hehe, look at Aqua-sama getting all flustered! It’s so cute. Oh, wait… don’t tell me you’re embarrassed to have a younger girl go patsy-pat on your bottom? Honestly, you’re such a handful. Fine, fine. Since it’s you, Fran will be extra gentle. Now, hurry up and present it for me,” Fran-chan teased.
Is this really okay?! Fine! I’m doing it! I’m presenting!! Maruo, Kujaku, Hajime—are you watching?! Witness the resolve of your senior! This is what it looks like when a man prepares for the end!! Burn this image into your retinas!!
”Aqua-sama, you’re so adorable, making such a fuss over a little spanking. When Fran messes up, Maron-senpai usually—mmph! Cut that! Delete that last part!” Fran-chan blurted out.
Maron-onee-chan gives her spankings?! Next time, invite me too, Fran-chan!!
”Now then, since Aqua-sama has such a wimpy little bottom, Fran will be very, very gentle with her patsy-pats,” Fran-chan said.
I’m genuinely terrified that this show is going to get us kicked off the air. Wait, what? We’re on a different network so it’s fine? Oh… this was supposed to be filmed in Morikawa Kaede’s room, but since she couldn’t make it, we’re using her slot? I see.
”All done! Good job sticking it out until the end, Aqua-sama. You were a very brave boy. Here, let Fran make it all better,” Fran-chan said softly.
With that, Fran-chan started gently stroking the spot she’d just hit. A little devil with the heart of an angel… Fran-chan is terrifying. At this rate, in ten years, I’ll be nothing more than a toy in the palm of her hand. I’m certain of it.
”Bye-bye, everyone! Good luck with the rest of the show!” Fran-chan called out.
”Thanks, Fran-chan! See ya!” I waved back.
I waved as the van pulled away. The night is still young. And so, our No-Laughing 24-Hour Endurance had only just begun.
—
Summary:
The ‘Berry-Berry’ production team gathers Shirogane Aqua and five others for a 24-hour ‘No-Laughing’ challenge where laughs result in fines and butt-slapping punishments. The group fails immediately due to a comedic cameo by Kaede and Inko-san’s sharp retorts.
Then, they visit a confusing meat-themed restaurant parodying a famous sushi chain, incurring heavy financial penalties. The session concludes with Aqua receiving a ‘gentle’ spanking punishment from Fran-chan.
—
Trivia:
- The project is a parody of ‘Gaki no Tsukai’.
- Kaede is pregnant, which is why Inko-san is her stand-in.
- The Prime Minister is participating as a ‘freelancer’.
- Agewa-san is actually a Congressman and has a personal vendetta/duty to punish the Prime Minister.
- Appearance fees (paychecks) are actually being docked in real-time.
- The ‘Meat-Zanmai’ restaurant is a direct parody of ‘Sushizanmai’.
- Aqua is safe from several ‘Out’ calls that hit everyone else.
- Kohina-senpai paid for a meal that was part of a TV set
—
Character Insight:
Aqua’s ‘M’ tendencies and his desire for professional perfection in variety shows lead him to a situation where he is physically punished. Shitori-onee-chan shows a ‘yandere’ or possessive side when she mentions his secret interactions with other women, shifting the tone from slapstick to psychological pressure.
Aqua shows a mix of veteran-like stoicism and extreme vulnerability when faced with the ‘little devil’ character Fran-chan. The Prime Minister shows unexpected dignity and decisiveness even in a ridiculous scenario.
—
Behind the Scenes:
The ‘No-Laughing’ concept is a staple of Japanese New Year variety specials, known as ‘Batsu Games’.
—
TL Notes:
Please bookmark this series and rate ☆☆☆☆☆ on here!
Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
Leave a Reply