Volume 1 Chapter 8 Resolve
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
I thought my awakening the next morning was the same as always. I suppose I felt a little lighter, perhaps because of the tears I’d shed.
But when I actually tried to go to work, my legs wouldn’t move.
If I just stepped outside this front door, I’d end up at the office without even thinking. One more step, and I could maintain a life where nothing ever changes.
There was nothing difficult about it. It should have been easy, and yet, my body refused to listen.
”……, …haaa.”
A sense of suffocation washed over me, and I let out a heavy exhale as if only just noticing it. At the same time, the strength left my legs. I slumped down pathetically, hitting the floor of the entryway with a dull thud.
”……You pathetic piece of work,” I muttered to myself.
The words slipped out, and my heart, which should have been quiet, began to stir with unease again.
I know. I can’t stay like this. My thoughts are spiraling. I have to break out.
Then I’ll just think of something fun. I’ll think of something I’m looking forward to. The first things that flashed into my mind were the faces of my two juniors.
One junior is soft-spoken and not exactly efficient, but Toda-san¹ is honest, serious, and a real hard-worker. The other is a bit overfamiliar, but Mamiya-san is sharp and always ready to trade jokes.
If I go to work today, I can see them.
Besides, what happens to the OJT² if I’m out? I have to give them direction.
I need to gauge the comprehension and interests of Toda-san based on the insights in her reports. I have to decide where to focus her learning and make sure she produces the right outputs for appearances’ sake. By a month before the OJT ends, I have to get her to learn the necessary knowledge in stages and routinize the basic workflow. I can’t be allowed to abandon the roadmap I built halfway through.
That’s why I have to go in. I have work to do.
…But is what I’m doing really the right thing?
I’m not the only one acting as an OJT mentor. Every year, nearly a hundred new grads join – about forty at the FECS Tokyo Head Office where I am. That means there are just as many mentors this year.
There are people who can lead more effectively than I can. People who can act like proper employees better than I can. People who, unlike me, have a track record the company actually recognizes.
Know your place, I told myself. Evaluate your abilities and actions accurately – no more, no less – and know your station.
If you overrate yourself, you’ll act recklessly and fail, buy yourself resentment and isolation, and eventually get pushed off the edge. If you underrate yourself, you’ll miss every opportunity and have no choice but to keep trudging down a painful path. Self-evaluation is a poison, whether it’s too high or too low.
And I’ve completely botched that self-evaluation. Now that my pride as a systems engineer, an employee, and a senior has crumbled… just what kind of face am I supposed to show them?
As I sat there in the entryway, my phone buzzed with an incoming message.
”Ah…, a notification……” I whispered.
Before I knew it, it was twelve minutes before the workday started. Even if I left now, there was no way I’d make it. With a mind that refused to function, I fumbled for an excuse and selected the office from my contacts.
”Yes, FECS Tokyo Head Office, Solution Business Division,” the receptionist said.
”…Good morning, this is Satake from Systems Section 2. Could you put me through to… Tanahashi-section chief on the 7th floor?” I asked.
My voice trembled just a bit. Was it because I wasn’t used to making this call, or regret for what I was doing, or was it fear of the person on the other end? I tried to steady myself while the hold music played.
”Hello?” Tanahashi-section chief answered.
”…Good morning. It’s Satake,” I said.
”What’s up? Something happen?” he asked.
”I’m sorry, I’m not feeling very well today, so… I’d like to… take the day off…” I stammered.
”Ah-… seriously? I wanted to move things along today… but I guess it can’t be helped,” Tanahashi-section chief replied. “Got it. In that case, what’s the status on the infrastructure rebuild? Can I go ahead and hand that work off to someone else?”
”…Yes. Probably,” I said.
”What do you mean ‘probably’…? Whatever. I’ll figure it out as I go. Did you finish the manual for the environment setup?” he asked.
”…It’s in the README,” I answered.
”What about the Wiki?”
”…I put a link to the repository on there,” I muttered.
”Hmm… alright, fine. I’ve got it for now. Also… I’ll let the other teams know you’re out,” Tanahashi-section chief said.
”…I’m sorry, thanks for taking care of that,” I replied.
”Yeah, yeah. Get some rest. If you feel better, I don’t mind if you swing by in the afternoon.”
”…Yes. ……Goodbye,” I said quietly.
I waited to hear the sound of the receiver hanging up before I finally cut the call and let out a long breath.
Unlike last week, this was an absence I had chosen myself. The guilt of skipping work and causing trouble for my colleagues weighed heavily on me.
”Ah… the meeting…”
I only just remembered the meeting with Itagaki-san from NT Komuro that I’d set up over the phone last night.
…But whatever, it’s fine. It’s not like I was the only one attending, and the agenda was already finished and shared. The guy in charge, Tanahashi-section chief, who’d dumped all the steering on me anyway, would just have to deal with it.
I’m sure someone will handle the OJT for Toda-san too. There are hundreds of employees at this company. They work in teams. Even if I’m gone for a day or two, someone will make it work. People more talented than me will handle it.
Forcing myself to believe that, I shed my backpack and collapsed onto the bed, not giving a damn that my slacks and shirt were getting wrinkled. I was glad today was Friday. Even if I stayed out today, tomorrow, and the day after, the guilt would be kept to a minimum.
I just need to pull myself together in three days. Just like last week. If I do that, I’m sure everything can go back to normal-
* * *
A week passed. In the end, I just kept staying away from the office.
I think it’s the first time since my first year that I’ve actually used paid leave. Back then, it was all paper forms, but now it’s all on a Web app. As long as you have internet, you can apply from anywhere – even home. What a great era we live in.
Tanahashi-section chief, who actually has to approve the requests, is probably clutching his head, but since it’s over the web, I don’t have to exchange a single word with him. Because it’s all just one click, the psychological hurdle is low. Even if it isn’t approved, it doesn’t matter as long as I’m resting. What is there left to lose at this point?
So, I continued to blow off work, doing absolutely nothing at home every day, just… existing.
I’d wake up and go back to sleep a second time, a third time. Even if I couldn’t sleep, I’d just rot in bed. By the time my stomach started growling, I’d finally wash my face and have branch time. If I ran out of food, I’d either go buy some or order delivery.
Once I ate, my stomach was full, and I’d get sleepy. By the time I woke up from a nap, it was already evening. I’d lounge in bed again until night arrived. I’d turn on the TV and watch some random variety show while putting something light in my stomach.
I’d end the day with a long soak in the tub before going to sleep. Even I knew I was living a slovenly life. But humans are creatures that crave ease. And once you’ve tasted that ease, it’s incredibly hard to let it go.
I’d learned that if I just stayed home, I didn’t have to work like someone was chasing me. I didn’t have to keep gauging everyone’s reactions. I didn’t have to keep up a false front.
Once you run away, it’s really no big deal. All that worrying starts to look pathetic.
If I had one lingering concern, it was Toda-san and Mamiya-san. Right after I started staying home, I got messages on LiNE. But I didn’t know how to respond, so I forced out a couple of business-like words and haven’t opened the app since.
The time I’d actually known them wasn’t even two months. The time I’d spent with them outside of work wasn’t even a week. So even if I lost touch with them, it didn’t hinder my life at all. Everything went back to normal instantly. I’m sure it was the same for them. …I hope it was.
I was living like a fugitive, but it would all end once I ran out of paid leave. I had thirty-one days – about six weeks – left, so I figured I should probably start thinking about my next move.
To be honest, I no longer had the energy to even go back to the office. Call it a blessing in disguise, but I’d already more or less finished the handovers for my current projects so I could focus on the new ones. It was the perfect time to quit.
I’ll just restart the job hunt that got derailed when I became the mentor for Toda-san.
…No, there’s no rush. It might be good to just rest for a while.
Since I’d been doing overtime right up to the limits of the Article 36 Agreement³, I actually had a decent amount of savings I’d never had time to spend.
Having made my decision, I went to the office the following Monday.
And before I could see Toda-san or Mamiya-san, first thing in the morning, I submitted my resignation – not to Tanahashi-section chief, but to Department Manager Sasada.
Manager Sasada probably sensed it. He’s been in this industry for over thirty years. He must have seen countless employees quit.
”It’s going to be pretty rough if you leave, Satake-kun…” Sasada said.
”I’m sorry,” I replied.
”…”
”…”
”…Can I ask the reason?”
”I… feel like I want some time to learn things over again,” I said.
”…If we could cut out the overtime, would it be possible for you to stay on while doing that?” Sasada asked.
”No, I don’t think that’s possible,” I replied.
”…I see. I figured if it was you, Satake-kun, you could probably pull it off, though…”
Saying that, Department Manager Sasada leaned back in his chair, and a long silence followed. In that tiny meeting space, separated only by thin partitions, the air felt suffocatingly heavy. From just beyond the thin wall, I could clearly hear the busy voices of my colleagues and the ringing of phones. Occasionally, even a bit of laughter…
”…No change?” Sasada asked.
I almost wavered. The moment I answered that question, I could never come back here again.
It was a company I’ve worked at for about six years. I had plenty of acquaintances. I had responsibilities I was leaving behind. It wasn’t like I didn’t feel a pull to stay. There were reasons I wanted to come back.
Even so –
”………Yes. ……No change,” I said.
I squeezed the words out, as if trying to convince myself.
—
Summary:
Satake experiences a complete psychological breakdown, rendering him unable to enter his workplace. He spends a week in isolated burnout, realizing the ease of running away from corporate pressure. Ultimately, he returns to the office only to submit his formal resignation to Department Manager Sasada, confirming his departure despite his internal conflicts.
—
Trivia:
- Satake has been with the company for approximately six years.
- He purposefully skipped work on a Friday to minimize the immediate feeling of guilt by overlapping with the weekend.
- The switch from paper forms to a Web app for leave requests lowered the ‘psychological hurdle’ for him to go AWOL.
- He has 31 days (about 6 weeks) of paid leave remaining.
- He has significant savings because his high overtime hours left him no time to spend his salary.
- He bypassed his direct supervisor, Tanahashi, to resign directly to the Department Manager.
—
Character Insight:
Satake’s internal monologue reveals a deep-seated imposter syndrome. He views his juniors as better suited for the company than himself and perceives his ‘pride’ as a senior to be completely shattered. His ‘resolve’ in this chapter is not about fighting, but about the finality of quitting.
—
Behind the Scenes:
The chapter highlights the ‘Article 36 Agreement,’ a real-world Japanese labor law (Saburoku Kyōtei) that limits overtime, illustrating the systemic overwork prevalent in the IT industry.
—
TL Notes:
Notes:
• Tanahashi – A well-dressed section chief who always looks neat but feels distant, often avoiding eye contact and giving a thin, fake smile. He is Satake’s boss and often pushes work onto others while ignoring technical limits. He talks his way out of problems and acts a bit cold and condescending, especially during meetings, and is known for favoring certain female staff.
• Satake – The protag. Tall and lean in a rumpled suit, with faint stubble, tired dark eyes shadowed by deep circles, and a perpetually composed expression, he carries the quiet wear of overwork in every line of his posture. A 28-year-old software engineer and OJT mentor, he is “Paisen” to Toda and Mamiya, the unseen “Satake Wall” shielding them from burnout. Beneath his poker face lies dry cynicism and a self-mocking “ojisan” complex, shaped by years of isolation, relentless duty, and a life lived at his desk, now culminating in a hospital stay born of exhaustion.
• Sasada – Department Chief (Buchou). Tanahashi’s boss. Prioritizes corporate appearance and headcount over developer well-being. Department Chief at the company. Oversees Satake’s resignation process. Department Manager (Buchou) at FECS. A veteran with over thirty years in the industry.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
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