Volume 13 Chapter 403 Shirogane Aqua, Hallucination
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
Recording resumes after a brief intermission.
”Alright, let’s flip the next card,” I say, drawing one from the pile on the table. I read the prompt aloud to the studio.
”Let’s see… ‘Regarding the rumors that Hakuryuu-sensei’s¹ social media was mistaken for an engagement zombie² and caught a shadow-ban, leaving fans unable to confirm if she’s even alive.’ Ah, yeah. We actually talked this morning-she’s doing great. Totally fine.”
The audience bursts into cheers and applause at my report. I swear, why does Ai’s account get nuked so often? Last month she was banned for being mistaken for some sketchy bot, and the time before that, it was flagged as “illegal pornographic content.” I’m starting to think the platform moderators are just using her account for target practice.
”Aqua-kun, are you sure she isn’t a ghost?”
”Wait, what?! You mean the Ai I was talking to was a hallucination?!”
Roars of laughter erupt from the seats. Man, you really can’t let your guard down in Morikawa Kaede’s Room. If you can’t fire back at a heckler instantly, you’ve got no business being on this show. I glance over at a staff member in the front row holding up a cue card.
[Press Button #4]
I do as I’m told.
”Hello? This is Shirogane Aqua. To whom am I speaking?”
”Hey, hey! It’s me! Loved by the masses for decades-and beep years old this year-it’s your girl, Hakuryuu Aiko!”
The moment Ai’s voice booms through the speakers, the crowd goes wild. Ai really is a hit with the ladies. She probably gives BERYL a run for their money in the fan-count department.
”Ai, everyone was worried sick because your socials went dark,” I said.
”Thanks, guys! Honestly, I tried to set up a burner account, but I’m such a tech-illiterate old hag because I couldn’t pass the image verification³. I failed the ‘select all squares with a traffic light’ test three times in a row, and now I’m locked out for twenty-four hours…”
The audience lets out a collective groan of sympathy. I feel your pain, Ai. I actually tried to set up a secret sub-account once without Kanon and the others finding out-not to look at thicc girls in my feed, mind you, but to… uh, monitor them for “juvenile delinquency prevention.” But I couldn’t crack the image verification either and just gave up.
”Ai, you should just ask Kanon to handle that stuff next time,” I replied. “The other day I was struggling with my settings during a stream, and someone named ‘Ramen-Hagetoru’ in the comments told me to just ask the Internet Master, Kanon. Problem solved.”
The audience and the staff suddenly lose it, doubling over with laughter. (Huh? What did I say? I didn’t think that was a punchline.)
”Ah… yeah. Good point,” Ai said. “I’ll do that. It’s definitely better to leave the tech stuff to the young people!”
Stop, Ai. That hurts. I’m young and I still couldn’t pass the damn CAPTCHA. (Dammit! Should I just man up and ask Toa like I did when I first made my account? …No, bad idea! Toa would definitely snitch. He’d tell Kanon, “Aqua was making a porn-alt to look at lewd sisters.”)
”Hahaha… saying it out loud makes me depressed,” Ai said. “How can I not even beat a simple image bot…?”
”It’s okay, Ai. I failed the image verification too,” I said, swallowing my pride to comfort her.
Who cares if I’m young and tech-challenged? As a man-and as a husband-standing by Ai while she’s down is what matters most!
”Right? They’re so hard! Wait… Aqua-kun, why were you trying to make a sub-account?”
”Oops.”
I look away and silently mash Button #4, cutting the line. (Phew… close one! If she had dug any deeper, I would’ve been toasted.)
”So, Shirogane-san… why were you making a sub-account?” a staff member asked.
Hey, staff! Are you serious?! A staffer heckling the talent during a recording… oh, wait. This is Morikawa Kaede’s Room. This is basically the job description. I stand up from the sofa, smoothing the wrinkles in my jacket and standing tall.
”Ahem! I, Shirogane Aqua, saw a bunch of hot girls on my timeline and wanted to make a burner account so I could check them out! I am deeply, truly sorry!!”
I give a crisp, clean bow, and the audience rewards me with a standing ovation. See? As an idol, I have to be transparent with my fans! There isn’t a single fake bone in Shirogane Aqua’s body.
”Aqua-kun! I post nothing but lewd cosplays with zero fabric coverage! Check me out!”
”Oh, hey, send a DM to my main account later,” I replied. “I’ll check it privately.”
I’m doing this all out in the open now. Why? Because I refuse to keep secrets from my fans! Now fully shameless, I sit back down and address the crowd. “So, guys, real talk… how do I explain this to Kanon when I get home?”
The moment they see my dead-serious face, the crowd loses it again.
”Hey! This isn’t a joke! Think of this as a rescue mission for my soul!!” I shouted. I clasp my hands together like I’m praying for a miracle, and the laughter only gets louder. “Come on, people! Help me find a loophole here!”
”Aqua-kun, Kanon-sama wouldn’t get mad over that!” a fan shouted.
”Yeah, Kanon-sama would probably just get a little pouty or act like she wants attention. You’ll be fine!”
”I can see it so clearly it hurts! Haha!”
The staff member holds up another cue card. (What? Press Button #7 for advice?) Fine. I’ll try anything. I slam the button.
”Hello, this is Shirogane Aqua. Look, I tried to make a secret account to look at porn, and I need a solid excuse for my wives. Any ideas?”
”Sure, I can help with that,” a voice replied.
The second I hear the voice, my face goes completely blank. The audience is absolutely howling. You staff members… you planned this! Why am I asking Kanon for advice on how to lie to Kanon?! And because I’m a “man of integrity,” I just confessed the whole thing to her face! I take a deep breath and stare intensely into the camera.
”Kanon… the second I get home, we’re having s*x.”
”Wait-huh?!”
The audience lets out a roar that sounds like a stadium at a touchdown. Look, if my junk got me into this mess, it’s gonna have to get me out.
”I’m ravishing you the moment I’m through the door,” I said. “I’m letting everything out! So, Kanon, be ready for me.”
”U-Uh… okay… I got it…” Kanon replied.
I hang up before the flustered Kanon can regain her senses and enter her cold-shoulder phase. Personally, I think that was a masterclass in timing. I flash a perfect idol smile at the camera and pull the next card.
”Okay, next topic… ‘The sudden surge of girls in the city imitating Kanon-sama.’”
Huh, really? Oh, there’s a video segment? I look at the monitor. A girl appears on screen wearing the exact same outfit Kanon wore recently.
”Um, excuse me. That look…” the interviewer started.
”Yes! This is what Kanon-sama wore on her date with Aqua-sama!”
The girl shows the staff a photo on her phone. Wow, her whole closet is just “The Kanon Collection.” The footage cuts to a montage of girls with the same clothes, the same hair, and even the same hair color. Then it shifts to an interview with a clerk at Fuji Department Store⁴.
”Yes, lately many customers are doing their makeup specifically to look like Kanon-sama,” the clerk explained. “Some of the girls who are the same height are even training to match her weight and three sizes.”
That’s… intense. Wait, I don’t think Kanon ever went public with her stats. Is there a mole? (What? Ramen-Hagetoru leaked them online?!) I stare at the cue card in disbelief. Seriously, who the hell is this Ramen-Hagetoru guy?
”By any chance, our guest this time is Shirogane Aqua. Any words for him?” the staff asked.
”Oh! Aqua-sama! Please ask Kanon-sama how we can become more like her!!” a girl shouted.
Sure thing. Wait-stop! I just barely survived the last call! You want me to call her again?! I look at the staffer.
[Just call already]
Fine… I get it. I steel my nerves and dial.
”Uh… hello? Kanon-san? It’s Shirogane Aqua…”
”Yes, hello?”
Wait. Something’s off. I tilt my head at the voice.
”Kanon…?”
”Bullseye, Aqua-sama! It’s actually Yukishiro Emily doing her Kanon impression!”
Classic Emily. She’s the only one who could beat me-the former champ-at a “Hyper-Specific Impression” contest.
”Wait, where’s Kanon?” I asked.
”Kanon? She’s currently in the bath, scrubbing herself raw so she’s perfect for Aqua-sama to ‘ravish’ later!!” Emily replied.
Ah. Right. That. I explain the situation to Emily. “So, Emily-as-Kanon, any advice for the fans?”
”Well, to truly be Kanon, you have to master her ‘beloved’ charm,” Emily explained. “Basically, you should take notes on how Kanon begs Aqua-sama for it at night-“
The call suddenly cuts to static. Equipment failure? I look at the staff.
”It looks like Kanon-san came back from the bath early and caught her,” a staffer said.
”Ah…” we all sighed.
Yeah, that tracks. For some reason, Kanon has a sixth sense for whenever Emily and I are up to no good.
”Anyway, let’s move on. I think this is the last card.” I flip it over. “Topic: ‘The fact that nobody remembers the actual title of this show.’ Yeah, facts.”
I still accidentally call it Kohina Yukari’s Room sometimes. That first episode just hit different. The staffer points to Button #6. I lean into the mic.
”Hello, you’re through to the MC of Shirogane Aqua’s Room, Shirogane Aqua.”
”Aqua-kun! It’s Morikawa Kaede’s Room, not yours!”
Haha, I knew it would be Kaede. I just wanted to mess with her. “I’m kidding, Kaede. How’s Satsuki? Is she finally crawling?”
”No! Actually, I got so worried that I checked the baby monitor footage! I thought maybe I was just being a space cadet⁵ and missing it. But she isn’t crawling at all… Is Yukari seeing things? Does she have a fever-hallucination or something?” Kaede said.
Wait, for real? Now I’m actually worried. “Kaede, I’m hanging up. I need to call Inko-san and check on things.”
”Yeah, good call,” Kaede said.
I hang up and dial Inko-san.
”Hello, Inko-san?”
”Ah… Aqua-kun. It’s Maron. Jou Maron from Eau De Cologne,” Maron said.
Maron-san? Why are you there?
”Actually, she really did have a fever. Inko-chan just rushed her to the doctor. Oh, they’re back,” Maron explained.
I knew it! I shouldn’t have taken her word for it.
”Aqua-kun, yeah, it was a real fever,” Inko said. “Thirty-nine degrees-that’s over a hundred and two Fahrenheit. It’s the flu. But the doctor saw her, so she’ll be okay. But since we have kids and pregnant women here, she’s in total lockdown until she’s clear.”
”Inko-san, thank you. You too, Iria-san, Maron-san,” I said.
I thank them all and check the studio clock. Man, time flies. This show always wraps up right before the last train. It’s the most unconventional broadcast ever.
”Alright, it’s almost time for the last train, so let’s call it a wrap. Everyone, watch out for the flu! I’m worried about Kohina-senpai, so I’m bolting! This was… not Shirogane Aqua’s… but Morikawa Kaede’s Room!!”
I hop off the stage, high-fiving the fans as I head for the exit. Somehow, I survived subbing in for Kaede and Kohina-senpai. Now then, I feel for Senpai, but I’ve got a date with Kanon and-Wait. Why is Kanon-san standing at the door like a guardian deity?
”Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m sure Aqua was just playing me!!” Kanon shouted.
”It’s your imagination, I swear!!” I yelled back.
Look, if you think too hard, you’re gonna get a fever too, Kanon! I shut her up with a kiss and drag her into the bedroom. Like I said-a failure caused by the junk can only be solved by the junk!!
—
Summary:
Aqua fills in as MC for Kaede’s show, leading to a comedic series of phone calls where his attempt to hide a ‘lewd sub-account’ fails miserably. He ends up confessing to his wife Kanon on live air and decides to ‘solve’ the trouble with intimacy. Meanwhile, a flu outbreak is confirmed among the other girls at home.
Trivia:
- The character ‘Ramen-Hagetoru’ is an internet master who leaks private stats.
- Aqua and Emily have a history of competitive impressions.
- Kanon’s popularity has reached a point where girls are training to match her body measurements.
- The show’s unofficial name ‘Kohina Yukari’s Room’ stems from the impact of the first broadcast.
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Character Insight:
Aqua displays his ‘idol integrity’ by refusing to lie to his fans, even if it means admitting to looking at lewd photos. Kanon shows both a cold exterior and a popular ‘goddess’ image, but is easily flustered by Aqua’s direct s*xual advances.
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Behind the Scenes:
The author notes that a ‘Bulletin Board’ style chapter may or may not follow this one, and apologize for the delay due to a busy schedule.
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TL Notes:
Notes:
• Morikawa Kaede – The original MC of the show ‘Morikawa Kaede’s Room’. Mother of Satsuki.
• Shirogane Aqua – Male idol and protagonist. Acting as a substitute MC for a variety show. He is married to multiple women including Kanon.
• Hakuryuu Aiko – Also known as Ai-sensei or Ai. A veteran creator or personality popular with female fans. Struggling with technology and social media verification.
• Kanon – Aqua’s wife. Described by fans as cool, jealous, and sought-after as a fashion icon. Known as Internet Master.
• Yukishiro Emily – A character skilled at impressions, specifically of Kanon. Collaborates with Aqua on variety bits.
• Inko – A Vtuber from “Generation of Ruin” (Nightmare Generation), Beryl’s shut‑in gamer idol with a self‑deprecating, high‑energy personality, known for her stupidly huge tits, long skirt, and hair often transformed into braided pigtails for dates; a former youth baseball club member with a usually messy long‑haired ponytail, she also serves as a supporting character who looks after the others and is currently dealing with a flu outbreak in the household.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
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