Chapter 247 The Ddo-Buddy Cannon ④
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
Since Kushe, the Lead Royal Mage of Coalmine, joined the team, the development of the “D-Buddy Cannon”¹ proceeded smoothly-though not without its fair share of “stiff” challenges.
”Kukuku! You can rest easy, Lord Harvest. Now that I’m on the clock, your ‘junk’ will be able to spew an infinite, gushing torrent of seed! It’ll be a non-stop splurt-fest!”
”It’s the ‘D-Buddy Cannon.’ It fires magic. Try not to use phrasing that invites such… misunderstandings.”
”Kukukuku, what’s the harm? It’s just a nickname. Oh, I know! Let’s call the magic it fires ‘Semen Magic’²! We’ll make it white, give it a bit of viscosity, and tune the light scattering so it looks all… gooey!”
”Don’t get hung up on the details! More importantly, your nose is bleeding again! Don’t you dare go passing out from anemia on me!”
”Ah…”
Total mad scientist. When I wiped the blood from her nose, she let out a strangely muffled, “Thangks ♡” in a nasally, delighted tone. I swear, has this girl developed some weird new fetish…?
”Ms. Kushe, sorry to interrupt the fun, but could you take a look at this ‘Epididymis Circuit’³ too? I put it together based on that integrated magic circuit theory you taught me.”
”Nn, let’s see… Heh, not bad. Personally, I would have done this part like so, but your circuit is actually better suited for the connection with the ‘Testis Circuit’⁴. You’re Marsetta, right? I’ll remember that.”
”To be remembered by the prodigy of Coalmine… I’m honored to receive such praise.”
Marsetta and Kushe had been awkward at first, but they had finally reached a point where they could collaborate on circuit-weaving. Above all, they seemed to be a good stimulus for each other, almost competing as they built the device. That competitive streak was particularly strong in Satsuki.
”Satsuki, shouldn’t you take a breather?”
”Nn, just a bit more. Once I etch this line, the output should jump even higher…”
”If you start spraying blood from your nose too, I’m going to have a crisis on my hands.”
”…It’s not like I want to have my nose wiped or anything, okay?”
”Eh? What was that?”
”Nothing!”
I wasn’t some dense protagonist, so I heard her perfectly, but I pretended not to because pointing it out would only make her stop listening to me. We already had a solid division of labor: Kushe handled the ‘Seminal Vesicle Circuit’⁵, Marsetta took the ‘Epididymis Circuit’, and Satsuki was in charge of the ‘Testis Circuit’.
Me? I was the “General Coordinator”-which is just a fancy way of saying “dead weight.” No, that’s not fair; I was getting my hands dirty on the barrel construction. But magic is used for both melting and shaping the materials, and my mana capacity was pretty pathetic for manufacturing a giant cannon barrel. I only managed to finish it by begging for help from the other Royal Mages besides Satsuki and the girls.
At times like this, I really resented my own powerlessness. But moping wouldn’t finish the job, so I focused on what I could do: taking care of the women who were working their tails off.
”Hey! Midnight snack is ready! Today’s special is Egg and Cheese Risotto⁶. Everyone, take a break! Kushe, wipe your face!”
”You’re always too good to us, Lord Harvest. Honestly, aren’t you spoiling us a bit much…?”
”Kento is always like this, Ms. Marsetta,” Satsuki chimed in. “More importantly, did the smell bring the ‘hungry beasts’ out?”
”Oh, they came. Like a pack of wolves. Being a Royal Mage looks like a rough gig. When I gave them some leftovers, they literally danced back to their research with their plates in hand.”
”It’s the same regardless of the country, I guess,” Kushe laughed. “Back in Coalmine, if people find out you can cook, you’re basically conscripted into the kitchen staff. Everyone there hides in the shadows to make their midnight snacks.”
”At that point, wouldn’t it be more efficient to just hire a chef…?”
Even in the middle of all this, these moments of idle chatter were the best. In the end, humans can’t keep going unless they eat. I knew that all too well from my “wild grass” days as an adventurer.
Thus, after night after night of grueling labor, the first prototype was finally completed. The test run was set for the palace’s inner garden.
”Don’t drop it, Satsuki. I don’t want to see a tragic accident where the balls get crushed before the first ejaculation.”
”I know, I know! I didn’t put my heart and soul into making these ‘balls’ just to see them pop!”
Unfortunately, the girls’ sensibilities had been completely eroded. My sexual harassment didn’t even make them blush anymore. Which, in its own way, gave me a very strange sense of satisfaction.
”It’s a dick…”
”Wow. That is a total dick.”
”Wait, is Marsetta actually hugging that giant dick?”
”She’s just supporting the weight, man.”
The other Royal Mages who had gathered were staring with expressions of pure horror and awe. Rumors had been flying, and since I’d drafted a few of them to help with the barrel, the level of attention was quite high.
”It’s a dick…”
”A total cock-nyan!”
”Wait, is that the Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon⁷? It’s got a very high-quality finish, hey!”
There it stood, the D-Buddy Cannon, pointing manfully toward the sky. Since we couldn’t destroy the palace, we were aiming for the heavens. Considering our target, the dragon “Zil Meina,” we needed to be able to fire vertically anyway.
It was a rigorous technical test, but visually… it was just a giant penis. To anyone without a degree in magical engineering, it was nothing other than a cock piercing the clouds.
”Ho… so this is the rumored ‘D-Buddy Cannon.’ I heard it was a prototype, but is it finished?”
”No, sir. This is still a prototype. However, I pride myself on it being combat-ready.”
It was Mr. Dalffbull, the Head of the Royal Mages of the Canaria Kingdom. “Hmph. Well, I hear that today’s test firing will be attended by Her Majesty Queen Cecile and Her Highness Crown Princess Ierse. Do your best.”
The garden was getting crowded. As he said, Queen Cecile and Crown Princess Ierse arrived, flanked by their subordinates. From Prime Minister Marquis Dan Samoro to every bigwig in the palace-everyone had gathered to look at the dick.
”Your Majesty, Your Highness. Thank you for attending the test of my ‘D-Buddy Cannon’…”
”Skip the formalities, Lord Harvest. Does the device function as designed?”
”Yes. What Satsuki and Kushe are currently priming are the ‘Balls Circuits’⁸. The mana generated there is funneled into the internal ‘Seminal Vesicle’ reservoir.”
At the ridiculous terminology, the Queen looked like she wanted to be anywhere else, and the Crown Princess’s ears turned a vivid scarlet. But I pressed on. “In its current state, I believe we can still increase the yield. However, even as a prototype, it should be more than enough to drive back a dragon of the caliber we saw recently.”
”Hmm… Then I shall permit myself some expectations.”
”Coalmine has staked its national fortune on this project as well,” an official added. “We are counting on you, Lord Harvest.”
”Of course. Leave it to me.”
As we spoke, the final assembly clicked into place. The sheer, bizarre majesty of the thing was breathtaking-at least to us creators. The crowd remained skeptical. It was time to change their minds.
”Your Majesty, Your Highness… would you care to give the order?”
”Hmph. I suppose.”
”…Very well. I shall do it.”
They accepted their roles with grace. I’m sure my Cannon was honored. The garden fell into a heavy, expectant silence. Then, their voices rang out in unison.
””‘D-Buddy Cannon’… EJACULATE!!””
Matching the call of the two royals, Marsetta flooded the ‘Balls Circuits’ with mana.
THRRRRRRUUUUM-!! SPLUTTER! GUSH, GUSH-!! SURGE-!! BLURRRRRRT-!!
””…Huh?””
While everyone stood frozen in a daze, the ‘Semen Beam’ lanced into the sky. A thick, white pillar of light roared past the palace roof in a heartbeat, surging higher and higher. It punched a hole clean through the clouds directly above before finally dispersing into a shimmering white mist.
Umu. The test fire was a total success!
—
Summary:
Harvest and the royal mages Kushe, Marsetta, and Satsuki complete the construction of the D-Buddy Cannon. Despite the cannon’s overtly phallic appearance and embarrassing terminology, they prepare a public test firing in the palace garden. Before a crowd of royals and officials, the cannon successfully fires a massive beam of light that clears the sky.
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Character Insight:
Harvest shows a mix of low self-esteem regarding his mana capacity and a quiet pride in his ability to care for the team. Satsuki’s defensive ‘tsundere’ behavior highlights her desire for Harvest’s attention, while Kushe’s obsession with the ‘detail’ of the magic suggests a lack of social filter in favor of scientific (and sexual) curiosity.
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Behind the Scene:
The ‘Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon’ is a direct meta-reference to the manga/anime Gintama, where characters build a similarly shaped snow sculpture.
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T/L:
Notes:
• Kushe – The Chief Mage of the Coalmine Kingdom. She has dark green hair grown out haphazardly and wears a mage robe loosely over her shoulders. She has a blunt, informal, and somewhat insensitive personality, focused on her ‘thinking experiments.’
• Marsetta – A senior court mage and specialist in magical weaponry. She has disheveled hair tied back, wears glasses, and has deep dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She hasn’t eaten in two days and is under heavy pressure to find a countermeasure for the enemy’s weapons.
• Satsuki – A talented Court Mage who was forced to analyze the shop’s adult magic tools. Miranda’s granddaughter. Now she’s the new worker at Harvest, a development she finds both humiliating and surprisingly fulfilling due to the rapid progress in her research under Kento’s guidance. Has long black hair, palace mage robe, and staff.
• Kento – The owner of the magic tool shop ‘Harvest,’ which discretely sells adult goods. He’s a former overworked, ordinary salaryman from modern Japan who was suddenly transported (isekai’d) to this fantasy world. He has dark hair and an unremarkable appearance, typically wearing a plain, slightly suspicious-looking shop owner’s clothes looks like Kazuma Satou from certain series. He has a minimal amount of magic power, enough to craft his specialty items.
• Cecile – A high-ranking, powerful woman in the capital who possesses the authority to regulate business and commerce, particularly concerning moral or public order issues. She is currently investigating Kento’s shop, ‘Harvest.’ Have long golden hair, elegant, and wearing expensive white dress with gold accesories.
• Ierse – The Crown Princess and wife of Gilliam, originally from a foreign land. She is described as lively and healthy with a unique charm. She wants to cheer up her husband. Has long haired hair.
• Samoro – A middle-aged Marquis and Prime Minister with a lot of white hair, a magnificent mustache, and luxurious attire. He is a key figure in the court who has supported the Queen since her enthronement.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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