Chapter 70 The Defense of the Ddo-Buddy: The Trial Commences
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
”The attendees began to take their seats, one after another, urged along by Archbishop Trantestar of Canarias.
Our team from the magic shop “Harvest” secured the front row. Next to us and directly behind sat Her Majesty the Queen and her attendants, along with the main members of the “Beast-person Association,” including Chairman Chromans. Farther back, the Tasogaremerchant Guild, the Adventurer’s Guild, and other people filled in the remaining seats.
Standing on the pulpit at the front was a particularly imposing Inquisitor, flanked by a rigid line of other Church officials. They all faced forward with uniformly stern expressions, occasionally glancing at us with probing looks that made me uneasy. It was a scene like a high-pressure job interview.
When the hall fell silent, the Archbishop stepped forward into the space before the pulpit and declared in a booming voice that echoed all the way to the back row:
”Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for gathering here today! We shall now commence the defense trial against the designation of the ‘Motorized Ddo Magic Tool,’ commonly known as the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy,’ as a Forbidden Tool—the so-called ‘Ddo-Buddy Trial’!!!!”
My mind was flooded with observations that there was no way anyone was using a microphone, that yelling “Ddo-Buddy” repeatedly like that must feel amazing, and why in the world no one was laughing. The entire thing was a mess of tsukkomi ³ opportunities. Yet, glancing around, everyone was gazing at the Archbishop with the utmost seriousness.
”I, Archbishop Trantestar of Canarias, who is also the proponent of this trial, will serve as the conductor of today’s proceedings! Without further ado, I call the defendant to the front!” he proclaimed grandly once more.
I silently watched the scene unfold. The defendant in this trial was not me. Sister Amelia approached the defendant’s stand, which was set up like a witness box in front of the pulpit.
She placed it on the stand with a decisive thump! It was, of course, the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy.”
Yes, the defendant in this trial was the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy” itself. I’d heard that in the history of my previous world, religious trials had been held with animals as the defendants. But surely, a trial with a ddo as the accused had never existed.
Carefully mounted on a base so it wouldn’t fall over, the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy” stood proudly erect at the defendant’s stand. The Archbishop nodded approvingly at its valiant, majestic appearance. Why is no one laughing? I wondered again.
”Now, I shall read the indictment. The charge against this ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ is that it has occupied the private parts of many women, tempting them toward the path of depravity. However, this is true of all ddos. The most grievous sin is this feature,” he stated.
The Archbishop lifted the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy” and pushed the switch on the base. The familiar Vweeeeee vibration sound filled the air. A ddo was trembling in the middle of a magnificent cathedral. And everyone was staring intently at the sight. Why? Why is no one laughing?!
”As you can see, the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ vibrates all by itself, and this vibration grants excessive pleasure to women. For this reason, we in the Church seek to designate this magic tool as a Forbidden Tool,” the Archbishop continued.
The Inquisitors seated in the front row nodded with severe expressions at the Archbishop’s words. Banning suspicious items immediately—that was, in a sense, a correct judgment. Considering the other ‘Forbidden Tools’ I’d been told about, some, if acted upon too late, could destroy a nation. However…
”However, is this magic tool truly an evil one? If this magic tool is not evil, but rather, one that dispels women’s sexual urges and enriches the nature of humanity, then designating it as a Forbidden Tool would be contrary to the will of God!”
As the Archbishop spoke, the people who were on our side now nodded in agreement. Her Majesty the Queen’s keen eyes held a sense of urgency, and the Beast-person women looked as if they might cry out at any moment. Still, the Inquisitors maintained their suspicious expressions.
”Therefore, I wish to grant this magic tool an opportunity to speak in its defense. Unfortunately, the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ does not have a mouth. Is there anyone who will act as an advocate on behalf of the magic tool?!”
The Archbishop addressed the hall. When I quietly raised my hand, he gestured toward me, granting me the floor. That’s right—my role was merely that of an advocate. It was a complete farce, yes, but also a meticulously staged performance.
This was likely a pretext to ensure that no blame fell upon me. Perhaps, having learned a lesson from the bloody conflict with the ‘magic users’ in the past, they had decided that the sin lay with the magic tool, and its creator was without fault.
Even if this trial ended in failure, I wouldn’t be crucified or burned at the stake. Though, the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ itself might be tied up and set alight…
Feeling a deep relief that I hadn’t been teleported to the height of the “Church of Demon-Subjugation’s” power, I stood up, gripping the thesis I had written for today, and walked toward the continuously vibrating “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy.” Every eye in the hall was fixed on me.
”I am Kento, the owner of the magic shop ‘Harvest.’ My relationship with the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ is, I suppose, like that of a parent and child…”
I wanted to commend myself for saying those words without stumbling or laughing. I bowed to the Inquisitors and the audience. The Archbishop nodded approvingly. Sister Amelia looked over at me with an anxious expression.
”I intend to defend this magic tool on two points. The first is that, for many Beast-person women, this tool is effective in resolving or mitigating the ‘heat cycle.’ The second is that for human women as well, it serves as a means of sexual release and is not a harmful magic tool. I trust you have brought the documents distributed in advance? Today, I will present my defense based on that material.”
Fortunately, no idiot had forgotten my paper. I looked around the hall and began to report the results of my research.
”First, regarding the ‘heat cycle’ of Beast-person women. Over the course of approximately one month, I enlisted the cooperation of twenty-two Beast-person women. I observed them during the actual process of releasing their sexual urges during their ‘heat cycle,’ and I conducted interviews regarding their impressions of the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’s’ usage.”
The attendees flipped through the documents, scanning the pages. My eyes caught the figures of the Beast-person women who had cooperated in the study—many of whom were present in the hall today. For their sake, I had to be their voice.
”What I found was the sheer intensity of the sexual urges they face during the ‘heat cycle,’ and the fact that the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ showed a certain degree of effectiveness in resolving them. Although there were a few minor incidents along the way, the majority of women regained their composure after approximately one to two hours of use. Unfortunately, there were some individuals who took longer to resolve their state due to my intervening presence, but they all eventually succeeded, even if it took more time than usual. Furthermore, the interviewing revealed that for their typical release, the time required was cut in half. This is a revolutionary brevity—approximately one-fifth the time compared to using a generic ddo.”
In other words, a woman who would ordinarily take two and a half hours to resolve her ‘heat cycle’ using a normal ddo could do so in about thirty minutes with the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy.’ Though I say so myself, that is a truly astonishing figure.
Of course, the effect wasn’t just limited to time. Every single one of them responded that if they used the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy” before seeing a man, solo resolution was possible.
Incidentally, resolving the ‘heat cycle’ through sexual intercourse with a man was found to take the same amount of time as, or even longer than, using a generic ddo. This was determined through interviews and my own personal, hands-on investigation.
The audience nodded in response to my explanation, while the Inquisitors maintained their serious expressions. However, even among the Inquisitors, there were some who seemed genuinely interested, confirming the materials with a quiet, “Hoh!” I felt a wave of relief wash over me at the good reception.
Still, this was only half the battle. This might allow its use for Beast-person women, but the sale to human women might still be prohibited. I decided to move on to the next point in my defense.
”Next, is the investigation into the danger posed to human women. This was conducted primarily using my self-devised ‘Questionnaire Method.’”
Some people tilted their heads at the unfamiliar term that had just slipped out, but many simply nodded, having apparently read the paper in advance. Well, the previous ‘interview investigation’ was accepted, so this should be fine.
”The documents summarize the responses of approximately one hundred individuals, whose cooperation was solicited from our shop’s customers and various contacts. To put it simply, the results show that no women experienced any disruption to their daily lives, even after continuous use over several months.”
This was a fact. On the contrary, many reported that using the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy” helped relieve stress. However, some people had also written that they couldn’t go back to normal ddos and couldn’t imagine giving up the “Tremble-Ddo-Buddy”—I wondered how that would be interpreted.
Well, worrying about it now wouldn’t help. The time for the Q&A was scheduled after my defense. I continued with my explanation without concern.
”Furthermore, there is a separate document detailing the materials and mechanism of the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy.’ Those knowledgeable about magic tools should definitely take a look. In brief, our shop does not use dangerous aphrodisiacs of any kind; the effectiveness of the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ is achieved essentially by the sole vibration mechanism.”
I glanced over and saw that a few of the Inquisitors were nodding. They were probably the Church’s ‘Sacred Artifact Engineers’ ⁵, checking the documents against their existing knowledge.
”Is that all for the advocate’s statement?” the Archbishop asked.
”Yes, I have generally made my points. For further detail, please refer to the documents,” I confirmed, nodding. I had presented the necessary explanation, but my strategy was to overwhelm them with information by saying, “The rest is in the document.” It wasn’t the most commendable approach, but it guaranteed completeness and would likely persuade those unfamiliar with reading academic papers.
However, the real fight was just beginning. I gathered my focus and waited for the moment.
”The time for questions and objections shall now begin. Is there anyone with a question or an objection to the advocate’s testimony?!”
The Archbishop called out to the hall just as he had called for an advocate. Several hands rose among the Inquisitors, and the Archbishop pointed to one of them. The first to stand was a withered old priest who raised his branch-like hands. He spoke:
”I am Professor Soi of Ajire Seminary. Well, I must say, a truly ambitious investigation—I am impressed. Now, I apologize for this layman’s question, but…”
With his chilling words, the battle lines were drawn.
—
Summary:
Kento takes on the absurd role of advocate for his own creation, the ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy,’ in a formal Church trial. The Archbishop is overly dramatic, but Kento holds his composure, presenting his scientific thesis on the device’s undeniable benefits for Beast-person ‘heat’ cycles and general stress relief for human women. The trial officially moves into the Q&A phase, with the first challenge coming from an old, sharp-witted professor.
—
Character Insight:
Kento’s internal monologue reveals his exasperation and disbelief at the seriousness of the ‘Ddo-Buddy Trial,’ highlighting his cynical but determined nature. He treats the whole affair as a charade to protect himself while using solid data to defend the device’s genuine social value. He is secretly proud of his ‘astonishing’ results.
—
Behind the Scene:
The trial is revealed to be a political maneuver by the Church of Demon-Subjugation to avoid a repeat of past conflicts where they persecuted creators. By making the item the defendant, they can control the outcome without harming Kento. The ‘Tremble-Ddo-Buddy’ is being defended with a mix of academic research (questionnaire method) and practical, hands-on research—some of which was personally conducted by Kento.
—
T/L:
² 異端審問官 (Itanshinnmonkan) translates directly to Inquisitor, a religious official concerned with doctrine and heresy. ↩
³ Tsukkomi is the Japanese comedy term for the straight man who reacts to the boke (funny man’s) absurdity, often with a verbal slap or sharp comment. Kento is the internal straight man in this absurd scenario. ↩
⁴ The repetition of Inquisitor here emphasizes their rigid presence and Kento’s focus on them as the main opposition. ↩
⁵ 聖具師 (Seigushi) literally means a ‘Holy Tool Master’ or ‘Sacred Engineer,’ which I’ve translated to Sacred Artifact Engineer to match the fantasy setting and the technical context of them examining the magic tool’s mechanism. ↩
Notes:
• Trantestar – The middle-aged man Archbishop of Canarias and the initiator of the current trial. He is an alleged ally of Kento but remains suspiciously neutral.
• Chromans – President of the ‘Royal Capital Beast-person Mutual Aid Association’ and the manager of the ‘Grizzly Merchant Guild,’ a top-tier weapons and armor dealer. He’s powerful, influential, and very business-savvy. Have round, cute bear ears (sooty brown), bushy beard and hair (sooty brown), and large build with muscular physique under a expensive gown.
• Amelia – The Sister of the Church of Demon-Subjugating, who usually buys from Kento, has light blue hair.
• Kento – The owner of the magic tool shop ‘Harvest,’ which discretely sells adult goods. He’s a former overworked, ordinary salaryman from modern Japan who was suddenly transported (isekai’d) to this fantasy world. He has dark hair and an unremarkable appearance, typically wearing a plain, slightly suspicious-looking shop owner’s clothes looks like Kazuma Satou from certain series. He has a minimal amount of magic power, enough to craft his specialty items.
• Soi – An old professor from Ajire seminary, the first to raise a question. Looks like wizardly.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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