Chapter 215 Not to Convince, But
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
I think I first met Diana when I was about four years old.
At that time, I was very eager to gather knowledge about the world while hiding from the adults around me.
It seemed like I was lonely and sad to the adults around me, who saw me always being alone, so Diana, who is Lucena-san’s daughter, was appointed as my playmate.
To be honest, I didn’t have the confidence in my abilities back then, so I was feeling anxious about various things. Even though I thought I didn’t have the luxury of playing with Diana, who was four years old, I was aware that I was behaving in a way that was unlike a typical child. So, I started playing with Diana to deceive the adults’ eyes.
When I was four years old, Diana was only six, and she was a really cute girl, just like any other girl her age.
It seemed like her mom, Lucena-san, had told her to be polite because I was the eldest son of the Count Atmiras family.
When I first met Diana, I was so nervous that I couldn’t even talk properly, and we ended up just making small talk to ease the tension.
The next day, we managed to have a conversation, and we started to play together, although it was a bit awkward at first.
We played games like tag, hide and seek, and “daruma fell down”, which were really fun.
But that kind of carefree time didn’t last long.
The day after my fifth birthday, I got a tutor, and my playtime with Diana was replaced by study time.
I didn’t mind that at all. In fact, I was happy to learn how to read and write, so I could confidently read books in public and do research more easily.
After that, I hardly saw Diana, and even though I saw her around the house, she never approached me.
It was ten years after I had another conversation with Diana. It was when my father entrusted me with the development of the land, and Diana became my exclusive attendant.
I remember that time well. After all, she had changed a lot from the impression of the cute little girl ten years ago――
’Master Neil, how are you? Your already terrible face looks even more terrible!’
’Considering it’s Master Neil, I thought you would have figured out a way to freely grope my body without me noticing.’
’Absolutely pathetic, slimy, rubbish, despicable bug!’
”No, that’s totally not true!”
I was surprised. Looking back, when Diana and I had a conversation after a long time, she was incredibly sharp-tongued.
Even now, she sometimes throws harsh words at me, but it’s to point out flaws in her master as a servant. If I’m not at fault, she wouldn’t say such things.
But what about the Diana from a year ago? She casually made poisonous remarks and didn’t tell me about the dangerous Oran fruit, and even took me on a hunt.
At that time, there were only two capable people, me and Diana. But would that Diana have taken me on such a dangerous hunt? The current overprotective Diana would never do such a thing.
Now diana stopped spewing venom at me.
Since when did she start keeping me away from battles to protect me from harm?
”…It seems that Master Neil has no idea at all.”
Lucena-san senses that I have no idea why Diana’s attitude has changed.
While I was indeed curious about why Diana’s attitude is so different now, there was something else that bothered me even more.
”Um, Lucena-san, why did Diana… dislike me?”
”Diana didn’t dislike Master Neil, she actually admired you. That hasn’t changed since ten years ago. And perhaps because she admired you, she couldn’t stand the current Master Neil.”
”…”
”It seems you have some idea about this matter.”
”If Diana admired the old me, then that must be the reason, I guess.”
I have always been thought of as a very clever child since I was young.
Of course, it’s natural, since I have the maturity of an adult, so it’s not surprising to be evaluated that way by those who don’t know the circumstances.
However, lacking confidence in myself, the more others looked at me with expectations, the more I would utter self-deprecating words, considering it an unfair evaluation.
Yet, to those around me, it was perceived as modesty, and my evaluation only rose, with remarks like, “To be modest at this age.”
It might have been better if I had played the part of incompetence if I disliked it, but in a society of nobles, one cannot survive as incompetent, and I couldn’t afford to take no action to make my life even a little easier.
I used my knowledge from a past life and the power of the AtmirasCount family to create various things, and as a result, I became known as a prodigy of Atmiras, and yet, I still belittled myself as being unfairly evaluated.
If Diana had admired me as a prodigy of Atmiras, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to be disappointed seeing me belittle myself.
”…Oh, I see, that’s why Wen was angry too.”
I said words that seemed to deny Wen’s desire to protect someone like me, even if it meant sacrificing herself.
I’m such a fool, even though Lewya told me the same thing before, I’m repeating the same mistake.
’Neil, do you regret risking yourself to save me?’
’I-I don’t regret it at all!’
’But Neil, just earlier you were speaking negatively about the reckless things you’ve done.’
’That’s…’
’Neil, I think it’s a virtue for you to acknowledge your past mistakes and admit them honestly. But as someone who was saved by your mistake, it’s really painful for me to see you deny it was a mistake.’
Denying yourself hurts the people who care about you more than it hurts yourself.
I knew that, but if I’m supposed to like myself because others do, and have confidence, that’s impossible.
No matter how kindly others view my actions, objectively, they are just reckless and emotion-driven, lacking rationality. I can’t praise myself.
That’s why Diana’s change in attitude, when she was supposed to be disappointed in me, was the biggest mystery.
”Lucena-san, have you heard anything from Diana or anything like that?”
”No, I haven’t heard anything. Diana doesn’t talk about ‘those things’ even with family members.”
”So, you want me to figure it out from her attitude? …I seriously have no idea.”
If I understand correctly, it’s not like her attitude suddenly changed, but it gradually changed over time.
So, if I think about where her attitude started to change… I remember when the settlement was attacked by monsters for the first time, Diana was against me participating in the battle.
So, does that mean Diana had already changed her attitude towards me since that time?
If the reason why the past Diana was disappointed in me is because of my lack of confidence, then I don’t have any confidence even now… I have no clue what made Diana’s resentment fade away.
If I had to say, maybe it was because I was given the responsibility of managing a part of the Count Atmiras family’s territory, the settlement. They said I started to feel a sense of responsibility as a ruler, or something like that, and that some nobility started to show. But it’s hard to believe that such a low evaluation could be easily overturned just because of that.
Actually, if that were the case, there should have been more recent changes in her attitude… Yeah, I really don’t understand at all.
”Um… Why is that?”
”If you truly have no idea, then perhaps that is the answer.”
”Huh?”
”In other words, it could be that she has seen Master Neil being natural and reconsidered your thoughts. It may have been natural for Master Neil, but sometimes such things appear special to others.”
”So, you’re saying I should just be myself without thinking too much. But…”
”Then you won’t be able to repair your relationship with Wen, right? No, that’s not true. You can repair your relationship while being natural. Master Neil, are you currently thinking about complicated matters? Forget about the monster attack and Wen’s offer for now.”
”Forget about the attack and Wen’s offer…”
”Why did Master Neil try to ‘convince’ Wen in the first place?”
”As I mentioned earlier, it was to stop Wen.”
”No, what I want to ask is not the ‘reason,’ but why you chose such ‘means.’ To be honest, do you consider Wen to be a child?”
”What!? No, I consider Wen to be an equal friend–“
–Wait, really?
While saying such words out loud, I ask myself inside.
Why did I choose “persuasion” as a means? Even though Wen has been living for decades, wouldn’t she understand if I explained properly? Speaking in such a way is completely treating her like a child.
What kind of equal friend am I? I unconsciously looked down on Wen.
Thinking I had to teach and protect, I pushed my own reasoning from above. If I truly thought of her as a friend, persuasion was not the right thing for me to do.
”Master Neil, are you so focused on reasoning with Wen that you haven’t revealed your own feelings to her”
”…Yes.”
”Then, have you understood what I’m trying to say?”
”…I should have asked Wen to stop, shouldn’t I?”
I’m really stupid.
Wen surely understood and made her decision without me having to explain.
Yet, I assumed Wen didn’t understand and arrogantly thought I could persuade her.
I’m angry at myself for agonizing over how to improve Wen’s mood and persuade her until now.
”Then, what do you plan to do now, Neil?”
”I’d like to apologize to Wen. But next time, I’ll properly convey my feelings.”
”I’m very impressed. I’m going to call Lewya. Whether you talk to Wen or ask another spirit to talk to Wen, it would be best to leave it to Lewya.”
Lucena-san says so and leaves the office to call for Lewya.
Alone in my quiet office, I look up at the sky from the window and think about the future.
Since I can’t find Wen who hasn’t materialized, I have to get another chance to talk to Wen through Ruwiya and other spirits.
However, even if I just told Wen that I wanted to talk to her, Wen would probably say no and say she doesn’t have any interest in talking to me.
If possible, I would like to apologize directly and express my thoughts, but if that is difficult, I would like to go through Lewya again――
–Knock, knock.
Something unexpected happened, and I froze in place.
I was looking up at the sky from my office window when someone knocked on the glass from outside.
It may seem like a small thing, not a big deal at all, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
You see, I had been staring at the window all this time, and yet, until the knocking happened, I didn’t notice the person knocking.
Did I just not see them? Or did they suddenly appear? No, it’s none of those.
The person was definitely walking towards me, and after peering into my office through the window, they knocked.
How is it possible that I didn’t notice their existence until the very last moment? That’s something I’d rather ask.
I couldn’t “recognize” them. Even though I couldn’t “recognize” them, now I can.
It felt like someone had added unknown memories to my mind, an impossible contradiction of seeing something I hadn’t seen. It made me question my sanity.
”Um…”
”!?”
In the midst of my confusion, the person who is the cause of it speaks up.
I wonder who this person is and what their purpose is.
Considering that they knocked and approached me, I can assume that they don’t have any hostile intentions.
While the mystery remains unsolved, knowing that there is no ill will puts me somewhat at ease, and I am starting to regain some calmness.
However, just as I am beginning to regain my composure, the mysterious person utters shocking words.
”They said that you are someone who possesses the same ‘crimson’ as me, appointed by the god of this world.”
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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