Volume 11 Chapter 21 Yukishiro Emily, Morikawa’s Weekly Power News!!
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
’Yes! And so it begins. It’s time for the last Morikawa’s Weekly Power News of the year!’
As usual, making that silly face. I lie on the bed, staring at the TV with a blank expression.
’Now, in this news program, we discuss topics that other serious news programs avoid completely. I, Morikawa Kaede, and our guest dive headfirst into unconventional topics. If you want to watch a normal news program, please watch the serious one hosted by announcer Onidzuka!’
Don’t worry, no one expected that from you in the first place. That’s what many viewers are saying, probably.
”Hey! Shiro.”
”Meow.”
I can’t help but have a soft expression at Shiro’s voice. It respond properly and are quite smart. There you go, good kitty.
It might be that right now, this person with a somewhat hoge face on some national broadcaster is smarter than the announcer on TV.
’So, our guest for this week is this person!’
’Shirogane Aqua, Associate Professor of Human Anatomy at Beryl Medical University. Nice to meet you today!’
Woohoo! Aqua-sama is here!
And today, for some reason, Aqua-sama is looking sharp in glasses. Kuu! He looks even cooler today.
Wait, what’s Beryl Medical University? Oh, it’s probably another one of those jokes. Hogekawa’s show always manages to slip in inside jokes even with the guests.
’Professor Aqua, I apologize for my ignorance, but what exactly do you research in the field of human anatomy?’
Hey! You’re too close to Aqua-sama!!
Damn it, I should send a complaint email to the national broadcaster’s contact inbox.
[Umm, your company’s announcer, Morikawa Kaede, seems to be trying to touch Aqua-sama using their position. Please stop…]
Alright, send!
’The human body is amazing, you know. There are still many things not fully understood. It’s like another universe, so to speak. Especially the female body has things that we men don’t have. In a word, it’s mysterious… well, maybe that’s too abstract. To put it more simply, yes, it’s the breast.’
Huh? I unintentionally made the same hoge face as Hogekawa on TV.
’Excuse me? I’m sorry. I’m a bit tired, and I didn’t catch your words earlier. Could you say that again?’
’Yes, I’m researching breasts. Please call me Professor Breasts.’
Professor Breasts!? I hurriedly get up from the bed and reveal a bit of my chest.
”Professor… my breasts are really soft and bouncy, is this normal? Oh, if you could… I’d be happy if you could touch and confirm, just kidding!”
”Meow~”
”Hmm? What’s up, kitty? Do you want to touch my breasts too? Here, here.”
I flaunt my breasts to the cat. If it were a male, the tension might rise a bit, but this cat, it’s a female. Sorry. It probably wanted to be owned by someone like Aqua-sama, not a woman like me. Maybe both of us could be owned by Aqua-sama… Hahaha.
”Achoo!”
Oops, it’s cold! By the way, I turned off the heating to save money. I tuck my exposed breasts back into my clothes and adjust my outfit in a hurry.
’What are you doing, you idiot!’
”Sorry!”
Oh, it’s the TV. I reacted without thinking.
’Ouch, Kohina-paisen, isn’t that the harisen I bought as a souvenir from Osaka?’
’You’re just saying that to mess with me, right? Well, this is just perfect. From now on, it’ll be used as a special weapon against Useless Aqua.’
Wow. Even though it’s a harisen, there are hardly any women in this world who can put Aqua-sama in her place… or rather, isn’t it just Kohina Yukari-paisen?
’*stare*’
’Hmm?’
’Yeah?’
Kohina Yukari-paisen and Aqua-sama noticed something and turned their gaze towards the direction of the anomaly.
Ah…
’Are you here to take over my show again?’
Hogekawa looked at the two with eyes devoid of highlights.
I laughed heartily while holding my stomach.
National broadcasting is truly different. It’s no wonder it’s currently considered the funniest TV station.
’I can’t, take this, anymore…’
Uh-oh, this guy is still hung up on Morikawa Kaede’s room and Rina in Yuu-onii!
’No way, I’m not taking it over!’
’Yeah, yeah, look, Morikawa-san, check this out!’
Aqua-sama pointed to a sign that said Morikawa Kaede’s Weekly Power News.
Yes, it should have been written there.
”’Ah”’
Probably, the adhesion of the paper with Morikawa Kaede’s name written on it and the base of the sign was weak.
The paper with Morikawa Kaede’s name that was stuck on the sign peeled off. Ahaha! Indeed, she’s just blessed by the gods of randomness and laughter.
The timing was just too perfect, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.
’After all, I am, no longer, needed…’
Kohina Yukari-paisen is in a hurry, talking about commercials, but there are no commercials on national broadcasting.
’Please, calm down. Announcer Morikawa’
’Even if, I didn’t want it, to be that way…’
’That’s not true! Both Kohina-paisen and I need Announcer Morikawa!!’
Morikawa’s complexion quickly improves.
She’s an easy-to-understand guy… I’m convinced that it’s failure, so I watch the program with a relaxed feeling.
’Huh? Ah… Aqua-kun needs me!?’
’Yes! So please continue with the hosting today!!’
Kohina-paisen nods silently behind Aqua-sama.
’Kaede-chan, full power!’
It’s easy to understand. Well, Kaede-paisen’s good point is that she’s simple and easy to understand.
’Um… Yeah, so, with that said, today, ahead of the singing contest, we have Shirogane Aqua-san from Beryl Entertainment and Kohina Yukari-san from Beyond Production joining us! Thank you for being here today.’
’Thank you for having us.’
’Yes, thank you.’
Woahhhhh! Truly a national broadcast, they can sense the atmosphere.
’Now, onto the first news.’
Kaede-paisen puts on a serious face and looks at the script. Oh! It’s like a real announcer!
[Actress Kohina Yukari-san Robbed in Broad Daylight While Having a Meal in the Park]
The title of the news appears on the monitor behind Kaede-paisen. What’s this… huh!? A robbery!? Isn’t this quite serious news?
’The other day, during a location shoot, actress Kohina Yukari-san had an incident where she was about to put a piece of salted mackerel (Saba Shioyaki) into her mouth when it was snatched away. This is the second time this year that actress Kohina Yukari-san has experienced such an incident using the same method.’
’Hey, what are you doing, Useless Aqua?’
Aqua-sama restrains Kohina Yukari-paisen, who seems to be about to go wild at the edge of the screen.
I see… So that’s how it is. In that case, Aqua-sama can legally touch her. Well, that’s a learning experience.
The screen switches, and an interview with a woman who was considered a witness to the incident is shown.
’Ah, it’s actress Kohina Yukari-san, right? She was eating alone on that bench over there. I wonder if she doesn’t have any friends…? Somehow, I feel like cheering her on a little bit.’
While giving an interview, a woman who runs a coffee shop in the neighborhood approaches the bench where the incident is said to have occurred.
’Meow…meow, meow! (What? …Hey! Don’t take pictures without permission!)’
You don’t need interviews with neighborhood cats!! And it seems a bit angry, what’s with that subtitle! I almost made a sarcastic comment without thinking, but come to think of it, this is the not-so-serious side of the news.
’According to the staff’s interview, the culprit is the famous female cat Shironeko in the neighborhood.’
It’s my cat!! The moment I saw Shironeko’s picture on the screen, I almost spit out the tap water I was drinking.
’However, the suspect is currently on the run.’
The culprit is here!!
”Meow!”
You’re raising you’re hand, but do you really know it’s about yourself? Anyway, this cat was strong. No wonder I thought its comeback was impressive.
’Hey, what’s with this news! Can’t I eat lunch alone?!’
Kohina Yukari-paisen stomps her feet, gums visible. It’s like on the Otome game. Game’s staff, look closely.
’Oh… Professor Aqua, may I ask for your opinion on this incident?’
Oh, Hogekawa ignored Kohina Yukari-paisen.
’Is it E?’
’Is it not okay?’
’What’s not okay about it!’
’No, it’s not ‘not okay (Ie)’, it’s E, as in A, B, C, D, E. The woman who answered the first interview, E was definitely there.’
Aqua-sama raises his glasses like Mayuzumi-kun, serious, not joking.
Kuh…! Is it just my imagination that he looks like he’s saying something good because he has a good-looking face?
’I see… By the way, Morikawa is a C. What about Kohina Yukari-san’s size?’
I don’t need their breast information!! I’ll definitely file a complaint later for them to take it seriously.
’T-There’s no way I would say that!!’
I see… So it’s an E. There’s more than I thought. Well, considering the possibility of underreporting or overreporting, it’s somewhere between D and F. In the past, everyone would always underreport, but recently, thanks to Aqua-sama, there are more people overreporting.
’I see, thank you for your cooperation in the research.’
Professor Aqua, the breast expert, takes out a notepad from his pocket and starts writing with a pen. Seeing that, Kohina Yukari-paisen lightly hits Aqua-sama with the harisen she had in her hand.
’Come on, go to the next news already! Next, next!’
Kaede-paisen, prompted by Kohina Yukari-paisen, once again directs her gaze to the manuscript.
Wow! The national broadcaster’s announcer is omitted… It would be nice if you could always do that, I thought, holding a cat and staring at the screen.
’The other day, on December 26th, idol Shirogane Aqua-san, belonging to Beryl Entertainment, visited Hakone on a private honeymoon trip with her wife, Shirogane Kanon-san. It is now causing a stir in the world that they purchased a painting from the artist and physician MARIA-sensei at the art museum they visited.’
I know her!! Inadvertently, while holding the cat, I bent my body and almost fell to the ground with my face.
MARIA-sensei is a member of the Holy Aqua Religion, one of the twelve bishops, and is called a Godly painter.
Even the Aqua Collection, which cannot be presented on the surface by MARIA-sensei, is being traded at exorbitant prices in the underground auction, and now that MARIA-sensei, who is also a surface painter, has increased in value…
I opened my phone and quickly sent a cheerful message to Claire. Regarding this matter, I’m not in a bad position at all. I better make it clear; otherwise, I might get a call from her later.
’The two of them were leaning against each other, looking at a painting. Both of them seemed happy, and it made me feel really warm inside.’
The Saint Farmer, huh?! Why are you doing an interview? It’s like a complete self-promotion. Also, weren’t most of the customers who came that day followers? They’re not getting involved in weird businesses, selling sensei’s paintings to followers, are they?
’I interviewed an expert who is knowledgeable about Maria’s paintings.’
Huh? An expert? Don’t tell me it’s one of our followers…
’Maria’s paintings are now gaining a lot of value in the market. Everyone is holding onto them, and it seems to be contributing to the price surge.’
Isn’t that Granny Mary?! Hey, what are you doing!!
No matter how much you mosaic it or process the audio, if someone sees it, they’ll definitely know who it is!
’Currently, Maria-sensei’s paintings, which are hardly circulating in the market, have skyrocketed in value, tenfold, even a hundredfold. I heard Professor Aqua also purchased a painting from Maria-sensei?’
’Yes, it’s a really great painting. Today, I brought it here for everyone to see.’
A stand displaying the painting emerged with a rattle from the edge of the screen. I wonder what kind of painting was bought. Could it possibly be the artist’s own painting? Yeah, there was a time when I also thought about that.
’Wow, it’s a lovely painting of a woman.’
Isn’t it me?! I unintentionally spoke like Inko-tone. Even though the eyes are barely covered, it’s definitely me in saint mode!!
’Hey, I feel like I’ve seen this somewhere before.’
’I know. It feels like I see it every week…’
Hey, you clumsy person over there. Ponkawa!
Not only every week, but you just saw my face yesterday! Realize it!!
’Professor Aqua, may I inquire about the reason for purchasing this painting?’
’Yes, well… I believe Maria-sensei’s gentle touch vividly expresses the warmth and kindness of the woman portrayed. But that’s not all. The delicate strokes depict a powerful aura, overflowing from within. It really soothes the soul.’
’I see… Indeed, I feel a sense of reassurance as if I’m always looking at it.’
So, it was there yesterday and the day before yesterday too, right!!
Uwaaaahhh!
I dive onto the bed, rolling from side to side, tossing and turning in agony.
’How about choosing based on personality for once?’
In Kohina Yukari-paisen’s sharp gaze, Aqua-sama turns away.
’You probably chose based on the breasts, right?’
’…There’s definitely an F-cup.’
’See, I knew it!’
Kuh… I’m delighted to rejoice in the fact that Aqua-sama’s attention has been drawn to my breasts, but the shame of having my artwork purchased prevents me from properly expressing my joy!
Why, out of all times, must it be in my saint mode! Following that, as usual, the nonsense news continues. Aqua-sama plays the fool, and Kohina Yukari-paisen interjects, forming a perfect composition.
Though the news is truly absurd, upon closer inspection, about half of it seems to involve the Holy Aqua Religion. I gently avert my gaze from the news and engage in playful antics with Shiro, the cat.
’The next segment proceeds as usual with Morikawa Kaede Presents, today’s Power~ Fortune-telling, but today we would like to have Professor Aqua present next year’s fortune-telling!’
’Yes, understood. Well then, Morikawa-san, please go ahead!’
’Leave it to me!!’
Before Kaede-paisen, a punching machine appears.
Kaede-paisen, wearing boxing gloves, delivers powerful punches to the target. A never-seen-before number, 280, is displayed on the machine. What is this…? Aqua-sama is also giving a slight wry smile!
’Hey, all you Aries who are watching the program in front of the screen. Your fortunes for next year are 100 points! Even if something happens, it will surely be a leap in your life, leading to the next step!’
Aqua-sama faces the camera, showcasing hops, steps, and jumps. I wonder who was Aries? I think Toa-chan and Ako-san were Aries. After Aqua-sama’s comment, Kaede-paisen punches towards the target again.
300… You’re being quite forward, Kaede-paisen! Usually, to appear cute, one would throw a flimsy punch and go, “Ouch, my hand hurts,” but Morikawa Kaede doesn’t care about that, even in front of the world’s best man. She’s not fighting on that level from the beginning.
’Hey, all you Taurus folks, your luck next year will be a perfect score. What you’ve been nurturing will bloom this year. Yes, even bigger than yesterday! There’s a chance to become even larger! Being big is a good thing, I think.’
In a serious expression from Aqua-sama, I almost burst out laughing for a moment.
Wait, I’m a Taurus too!
Wasn’t Yui-san one as well?
Bigger than the current self…?
Well, it’s being said that what Yui-san and I have might grow even larger than it is now!?
And now, Kaede-paisen’s punch surpassed 330. This guy’s completely got the hang of it.
’Next up, everyone in Gemini, you’ll score a perfect 100 next year! Not only will your work luck be at its peak, bringing in lots of opportunities, but you might also make friends through your work! Be sure to befriend me too!’
Yes! When it comes to Gemini, there’s Auntie Miku and Ayana-chan. Since Auntie seemed a bit distant from Aqua-sama, it would be great if some collaboration could bring them closer. Ayana-chan, since it’s obvious you like Aqua-sama, I hope you do your best.
’Now, 380!? Um, um, everyone in Cancer will also score a perfect 100 next year. It’s sure to be another fun and lively year. So, let’s end it with smiles, making it a year we can look back on with fond memories!’
Aqua-sama flashes a beaming smile at the camera. When it comes to Cancer, it’s Kaede-paisen. I have a feeling this plan will be a complete failure because Kaede-paisen won’t score below 100 in this project.
Well, I guess everything is fine at 100 points. This kind of thing is all about the feelings, and if you think good things will happen, you’ll feel happy every day. Anyway, Aqua-sama never says anything bad.
’450! Oh, just a little more until the max of 500… Ah, next is the person from Leo. Leo’s fortunes, a turning point! Maybe something like a turning point that could change your life might come. But, surely, it’ll be okay! I’m here at Soba!’
Wow! That’s nice.
Who is Leo? I feel like Mayuzumi-kun is Leo.
Ah… before using the punching machine, Kaede-paisen sends a gaze to the camera.
I understood everything just from that act.
Kaede-paisen, could it be that you’re trying to achieve the max of 500 for Shumi, the Virgo, like in a manga!?
With a perfect turn and a critical hit, Kaede-paisen, who rotated her hand like in a manga, finally achieved her goal!
’Okay, it’s 500!’
’It’s amazing!’
Aqua-sama and Kohina-paisen high-five.
Woohoo! Kohina-paisen is amazing! Great job, Hogekawa!!
I’m sure the fans, who’s probably watching TV with that Hoge face, is also overjoyed. Unexpectedly, I feel a bit emotional about this pregnancy celebration. But when I think about the arbitrary nature of this unreliable fortune-telling, it brings tears to my eyes in a different way.
’You, as a Virgo, will score 100 points next year! I pray that happiness will flutter down near you!’
With that, Aqua-sama blows a kiss towards the screen. Unconsciously, my mouth stretches out like a Hyouge Mono character. Come to think of it, Nee-san is also a Virgo. I hope Nee-san gets pregnant too! Next, Kaede-senpai reveals a number: 460.
’Everyone, who is Libra will also score 100 points next year!! Next year will be a busy but enjoyable year, so take care of your health. But for everyone who pushes themselves too hard, let me give you these words. Well done! Great job!’
Ahhhh!
Even though I’m not a Libra, I feel like I’m about to involuntarily bow my head towards the screen. I think Libra is Hakuryuu-sensei. That person seems quite busy…
With renewed determination, Kaede-senpai hits 480.
’For you, Scorpio, it’s also 100 out of 100! The year ahead should reward everything you’ve done. Maybe you can only see the signs of improvement, but surely they bring a sense of something getting better!’
Saying this, Aqua-sama reaches out towards the screen. Who was a Scorpio again? Was it Agewa-oneechan?
There are rumors from the Holy Aqua Religion that Kokucho is making suspicious moves right now. Agewa-oneechan is working hard, so I hope she gets rewarded somehow. Maybe Aqua-sama or someone will help her like Kenzaki always does. Kaede-senpai in front of the screen shows a serious expression. Ah, right, next is…
’Oh, 500 again! Thank you, Announcer Morikawa!’
Aqua-sama’s Sagittarius, truly Kaede-senpai. She’s not joking around for no reason.
Huh!? Maybe, for this day, she intentionally hoarded power by acting Hoge… amazing! Mary graduates are truly formidable!!
’To all my fellow Sagittarians, just like I’m happy, there’s no way you guys won’t be happy! So, next year is also 100 out of 100!’
In a way, he’s the strongest!
But, was there another Sagittarius? Oh, right, Kukuri is also Sagittarius. Hmm? Come to think of it, there was one more person…
’However, among Sagittarians, only Kohina Yukari-san will likely hit her pinky toe on the corner of the wardrobe.’
’Hey! Why am I the only one treated separately!? Don’t even try to make me lonely in fortune-telling!! Let’s be together!’
’Ouch, okay, I got it. Geez.’
Their exchange made me inadvertently grind my gums.
I guess everyday actions really are important.
Before Aqua-sama moves on, he looks at Kaede-paisen, who is staring at his fist, and speaks.
’Hmm? Announcer Morikawa? Is something wrong?’
’No, nothing. It’s okay, it’s okay!’
Although Kaede-paisen said that, the numbers quickly dropped to 290 in the next Capricorn. Even falling to 290 is already abnormal…
’Capricorn, your fortune is a perfect 100 for the coming year! Perhaps a wonderful new encounter awaits you! Let me offer you these words: Don’t worry, muster the courage!’
I’ve already met Aqua-sama. Capricorns are probably saying the same thing. Who are Capricorns, by the way? Oh, right, Kunoichi is Capricorns, isn’t she? I think her birthday is on January 2nd… oh no, I need to buy a present!!
’160!? Uh, well, everyone’s fortune in Aquarius is also a perfect 100! Surely, significant changes will come your way. But don’t fear those changes. Now, let’s go together!’
Kaede-paisen, this, you’re definitely injured. It’s blatantly at its limit. When I think of Aquarius, it’s Claire… I hope things get better for her, even just a bit. For now, improving Claire’s mental state is a top priority within the Holy Aqua Religion.
First, I need to do something about that dummy button in her pocket.
Anyway, when Aqua-sama gets closer to Kaede-paisen in the TV, he calls out to switch. But once they’ve come this far, Kaede-paisen shakes her head, determined to finish. What is this? It looks like a picture of a professional athlete heading to a world tournament, but the announcer is just using a punching machine. Wait, what show is this again?
’Announcer Morikawa, do your best!’
’Get fired up!’
Kohina Yukari-paisen and Aqua-sama’s cheers fill the air. Whether it’s Kaede-paisen or the two of them, their feelings, as well as the feelings of everyone watching in front of the screen, reach her, and she delivers a powerful punch.
’120! We did it!! Everyone got a perfect score of 100!!’
”Alright!”
”Meow!”
I join in the celebration with the cat. That’s what I thought… It was only a few seconds later, after I calmed down and regained my composure.
’Um, the last Pisces person, you’re also perfect. Surely, this year will be a calm one for you. Even if it wasn’t, I hope a time for a sigh of relief comes to everyone!’
Speaking of Pisces, it’s Tenga-paisen. Good for you. From what I heard, it was quite a long unrequited love, and was it Sakuraba Haruka? I hope both of them are happy.
’Now, let’s get to today’s weather.’
When Kaede-paisen steps forward, the camera zooms out. Then, with a running start, Kaede-paisen swings her leg high and sends her slipper flying high into the air.
”Whoa!”
As expected of Gorikawa-san. The power is too much, and the slipper almost hits the ceiling lights. If you break those, it’ll cost tens of thousands… Can’t you be a bit more careful? But for Morikawa Kaede, the only words in her dictionary are always full force.
’Yes. So, today’s weather is clear!!’
At the crack of dawn, the national broadcast news said it was cloudy, but…
’Even if it’s cloudy, let’s scatter those clouds with our collective power!! It’s Morikawa Kaede’s Weekly Power-News! Today’s guests are Shirogane Aqua-san and Kohina Yukari-san!’
’Everyone, thank you so much today! Please support the Minamoto clan with your votes!’
’Hey, now! That’s just too sneaky! Foul play, foul play, foul play defeat! I think everyone knows, but vote for the Taira clan! If you vote for the Taira clan, I’ll expose this guy’s goofy sleeping face on the internet!’
’Hey! Kohina-paisen!? Isn’t that even sneakier!!’
Aqua-sama and Kohina Yukari-paisen tussle.
Nice! I also wish I could tussle with Aqua-sama, I thought with a vacant expression, staring at the screen.
’So, heading into next week— Power tackle!’
The program ended with Kaede-paisen tackling the camera. Ah, what was that? It felt like an incredibly wasted time.
Lately, watching Kaede-paisen’s news is said to be a hobby of the aristocrats. It seems that affluent people with too much free time are elegantly consuming unnecessary time.
I don’t really understand, but anyway, watching Kaede-paisen’s news and wasting time seems to be a trend among the wealthy and powerful, like a status symbol or something.
Recently, is this being broadcast worldwide with subtitles? Well, there’s no way that the world’s leaders are seriously watching such trivial news, right? With a puzzled expression, I turned off the TV.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.