Volume 13 Chapter 299 Yukishiro Emily, Kitsuman
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
The moment we touched down at Vilnius Airport in the Lithuania state of the East Republic of Stars, Demon Sergeant barked at me from up ahead.
”Kitsuman! Can you pilot a heli!?” [T/N: from kitsukitsu = tight]
”A… heli!?”
Chotto matte, chotto matte! There’s literally a long-range transport chopper parked right in front of us, and you’re telling me I’m the one who’s supposed to fly that thing!?
”I, uh, I’ve played super realistic sim-games before, suuure! And, um, I did a little bit of drone work when I was side-hustling on filming gigs, but I don’t even have a license!!”
”Perfect. That’s good enough. You’re flying.”
…no way. No way. Even Yukishiro Emily-san, who’s been called a miracle-worker a hundred times, can’t magic her way out of this one. Inside my veil, my face fell into despair—until Demon Sergeant’s lips curled into a smirk.
”Just kidding. The Twelve Bishops’ very own Powder Maniac-sama can handle piloting, so relax.”
”Phew…”
Demon Sergeant, your jokes hit way too hard.
”But. If anything happens to Powder Maniac-sama, you’ll have to fly. So be ready.”
”Y-yes…”
Pray. Pray that never happens.
So the four of us—me, Demon Sergeant, General-sama (Shogun-sama), and Powder Maniac—climbed into the transport heli and immediately took off again. Ugh, didn’t we just land? Now we’re already heading out?
”Listen up. We’re crossing into the neighboring Belarus state. Don’t let the ‘East Republic of Stars’ branding fool you—Belarus runs checkpoints at its borders, total lockdown mentality. Lithuania’s easy thanks to its ties with Japan, but once we cross? One slip-up and it’s war. If things go bad, we’re treated as stateless. Got it?”
Got it!? Don’t “got it” me! Powder Maniac—hell, all of you—this is literally flirting with starting a war! Wasn’t this supposed to be just a fan club? A fan club!! How did we end up here!?
”From this point, we’re not Holy Aqua Religion sisters. We’re World Union environmental operatives. Our mission is not Aqua-sama’s retrieval. We’re investigating the recent snow mountain avalanche and its ecological aftermath. Clear?”
”””YES, Aqua, YES!!”””
Demon Sergeant shoved a card into my hand. …oh. Oh wow. A full-blown fake ID. My eyes dropped to the print.
[World Union – Special Doctor for Environmental Issues – Professor Kitsuman, Mary University]
Wait, what!? Just yesterday I was a broke college kid, and today I’m a doctor!? Sure, Mary U checks out, but come on!!
Before I could finish freaking out, the border loomed ahead. I exhaled, thinking we’d slip through fine—then the radio crackled with Belarusian comms.
’This is Belarus Security Forces. Identify the responsible officer of the World Union heli.’
…Responsible officer? Who the hell’s that supposed to be!? I scanned the cabin. Everyone was pointing at me. Wait—me!? Shouldn’t that be Powder Maniac!? Oh, but if the pilot’s in charge, then… crap. General-sama’s mute, Demon Sergeant’s secretly a coward… damn it. Damn it, it’s me. Of course it’s me. Fine!!
’This is Kitsuman, Special Doctor for Environmental Issues, World Union. Professor. How can I help you?’
’Apologies, professor. Regulation. We must confirm your mission objective.’
Okay okay, think. Avalanche, ecology impact survey. Right. Miraculously, I actually remembered. I was even impressed with myself.
’Thank you. And, Professor Kitsuman—you’re said to specialize in environmental problems, yes? Forgive the question, but what specific issues are you researching?’
’E-ehhh, um, that is… ahem…’
Brain, on. This is Yukishiro Emily’s time to shine. I’ve weaseled my way out of tighter corners before. Flash of inspiration, bluff my way through, that’s my brand. Let’s go.
’For example, the recycle of used tissues from men.’
’…used… tissues from men!?’
Whoa!? Did the heli just lurch!? Powder Maniac, you good up there!?
Demon Sergeant and General-sama both swivelled to stare at me, eyes wide. Don’t worry, guys. I’ve got this. Just follow my lead.
’Don’t you think it’s wasteful, throwing out a shikottissue (T/N: jerk-off tissue) soaked in s**en into a trash can?’
’W-well… you make a point, professor…’
Exactly. Aqua-sama wasting himself on tissues—every woman who sees it despairs. If only, instead of the tissue, he’d release into me.
’If we could develop tissues with extraction functions, it’d be eco-friendly and improve female happiness indices, don’t you agree?’
’I do!! Forgive me, professor—I’ve never had intercourse with a man, but at least… at least I want a child! I don’t ask for luxury. If I could just conceive with s**en, how blessed I’d be!’
I nodded silently. Lucky me, born in Aqua-sama’s country, knowing him, having everyone’s support—that’s why I’m happy now. But globally? Women’s conditions haven’t changed at all. The thought tightened my voice.
’I say men don’t need tissues at all!’
’Professor, what do you mean?’
Veil hiding my grin, I put on my best crisp, righteous face.
’Let women replace tissues. Let that be normal. Why not!? I say we can!!’
’Professor Kitsuman…! I am deeply, deeply moved!! Please, let me read your book someday!!’
Yes! Thank you! I threw up a hand, waving to Demon Sergeant and General-sama, who were literally crying and steaming from their masks. Nailed it. Bluff successful. Transmission cut. Exhale. Huuhhh… close one, but in the end, Yukishiro Emily never misses.
”Kitsuman. That speech was hot as hell.”
Powder Maniac glanced back from the cockpit, flipping me the middle finger.
”Kitsuman… you’ve stirred me too. Even General-sama’s fired up, look at her.”
”Shuu-kō. Shuu-kō.” (T/N: a hissing Darth Vader breath, straight out of his gas musk)
Tears streamed down Demon Sergeant’s face. General-sama’s mask vented steam like a busted kettle. Seriously, what is that mask?
”Aza-ssu,” I muttered, bowing my head bashfully.
”Kitsuman… don’t tell me you’re actually some famous professor!?”
”N-no no no, I’m just your average college kid drowning in part-time jobs…”
Ah. Slipped out the truth. With me, sprinkling truth into lies just makes them sound even more real.
”You’re a college student, huh. Then you should get a teaching license.”
”Teaching license?”
Demon Sergeant beamed.
”Yeah. Teaching’s great. Used to be tough, but land a good school and you’ll get plenty of contact with the boys.”
”…heh. So, Demon Sergeant, you’re a teacher by day?”
Wait. This face. I’ve seen it. Where? Right—Otomezaki Cultural Fest, wasn’t it?
”Demon Sergeant, aren’t you actually student guidance at Otomezaki?”
”Yes, correct. Powder Maniac-sama.”
Student guidance!? No way. You’re… you’re that Yamamoto-sensei the kids called Demon Guidance!? Damn it—Holy Aqua Religion already wormed its way into that school too!?
”Come on, Demon Sergeant. Give us a funny episode.”
”Well… I usually handle discipline with the girls, but Shirogane Kanon… she’s crafty.”
Ooohh. Now that’s a story worth hearing. My face went dead serious. Not gag-serious. Real serious.
”The other day, I was patrolling and happened across an open empty classroom…”
Everyone except Powder Maniac leaned in closer.
”And there was Shirogane Kanon, kissing Aqua-sama on her lunch break! Chu-chu, right there! She really is a role model for girls—her coaxing skills are first-rate.”
”Shuu-kō!! Shuu-kō!!”
Tch—knew it! Tashinami are all shameless!!
Well of course General-sama’s breathing through her mask got rougher with Demon Sergeant spilling all this hallway gossip.
”But on the other hand, we’ve got problem students too.”
Demon Sergeant sighed, looking troubled.
”There’s this girl—Tsukimachi Ayana. Absolutely hopeless at begging for kisses. Even Aqua-sama has to cover for her.”
Apparently Ayana-chan can manage the glancing-over, blushing appeal part, but the second Aqua-sama actually looks back? She panics and whips her gaze away. That’s… yikes. A chronic case. I’ll have to rope in Kohina-paisen for consultation later.
”And then there’s a student named Chihiro Claire. Usually serious, but every now and then she does something completely outrageous—”
Nope nope nope. Not listening. Lalala can’t hear you.
I flopped over, pretending to faint, shutting all intel channels OFF.
”Kitsuman! Wake up! We found something insane!!”
”Y-yes!!”
Demon Sergeant’s bark jolted me upright. Crap—I actually did fall asleep.
”Look. Over there. A vehicle!”
”Oh, for real?”
Wait—hold up. That’s the presidential convoy!
Aqua-sama might still be alive—our hype levels spiked instantly.
”We’re setting down nearby. All units, prepare for landing!!”
I sat proper, tugged my seatbelt tight. Despite her chaotic look, Powder Maniac handled the heli like a pro, smooth as butter on descent. Guess all those extreme sports translate.
”Definitely the president’s ride. No mistake.”
”Oi, there’s a cellphone here!”
”Shuu-kō!! Shuu-kō!!”
My chest tightened. Tears welled. I knew that phone. Out of three, two were Aqua-sama’s and PM Habu’s. Aqua-sama’s especially—I’d seen it in his hands a thousand times.
”Doesn’t look like it dropped.”
”Yeah. Crushed, and stomped.”
Alive. They had to be alive. That certainty ran through me like fire. Without thinking, I was already scribbling on the Bulletin Board—Aqua-sama survival update, so the ever-anxious Tashinami and BBS lurkers would know.
”Demon Sergeant, General-sama, Kitsuman—stay sharp. Enemy incoming.”
”Eh?”
Powder Maniac tensed, and I followed her lead. Armed men emerged.
’We are Security Forces. What are you doing here?’
Oh crap. Gotta talk us out. I glanced at the others. But nothing. They didn’t even understand the language. Fine. My time to shine—Mary U wasted credits, come through for me.
’Apologies. We are World Union enviro division. I am Professor Kitsuman, Special Doctor for Environmental Issues.’
’Show ID.’
I handed over the fake Holy Aqua card.
’So it checks out. Doesn’t matter. You’ve seen too much. You die here.’
Figures. Not every problem has a dialogue option.
”Knew it’d come to this!!”
Powder Maniac hurled a chained iron ball, smacking a soldier’s rifle clean away. Damn. Looked painful as hell—but yeah, no spikes, so less lethal.
’Guns! Open fire!!’
Oh no. Even Powder Maniac can’t fistfight bullets. Then—General-sama leapt forward, cloak flaring, casting it off.
’The hell is that!?’
’Gaaaah!!’
’Monster!!’
…Holy crap. Hhe’d been hiding a full-blown power suit under there!? Extra limbs sprouting off the back, each gripping a baton like some cyber-kappa! Beautiful. Gorgeous. General-sama, you absolute unit. And seriously—how is this guy just a “sister”? She’s clearly more Twelve Bishops material than Powder Maniac!
”Kitsuman, over here!!”
”Right!”
I dashed toward Demon Sergeant—but then, a hand snatched mine.
’Gotcha! Drop your weapons and surrender!’
Damn it. Guys, I’m so sorry. Dragging you down like this—unforgivable. Powder Maniac, General-sama, Demon Sergeant all disarmed.
”Forget me! Keep fighting! If you save me, they’ll just kill us all anyway—at least you three survive!!”
”Kitsuman, don’t you dare say that! Fight till the end!!”
”Kitsuman! Aqua-sama said it himself—never give up till the last breath!!”
Ugh. Damn you guys. My chest hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut, head drooping… and then—another voice.
’Sorry, but those four are my countrymen. Release them, please.’
’What nonsense are you—eh?’
The grip restraining me slackened. Before I could process, I stumbled forward—nearly faceplanted—only for someone to catch me.
”You alright?”
”Eh… Japanese?”
I looked up. A tall woman stood, blindfold covering her eyes. For a second my brain short-circuited—Saint Emily!? Seijō Midara!? Wait no—that’s me!!
”Hold still.”
Her movement—holy crap. Fast like Ninja. In a blur, she unsheathed a Japan-tō only to not slash—just slam the flat against skulls. One after another, enemies dropped.
’How’s she seeing through a blindfold!?’
’Too strong…’
’Mon…monster…’
In the blink of an eye, the squad was down.
”Who… are you?”
”I’m from your homeland. Or was. Now I can’t go back. Just a wandering ghost, waiting for the end.”
Wait. Japan won’t take her back? But they even tolerate disaster cases like me and Aqua-sama! What the hell did she do!?
”And you? What are you doing here?”
We traded glances. Powder Maniac answered.
”Missing man. We’re risking it all to find him.”
”I see. And this man—worth your lives?”
We nodded in unison. Of course. For Aqua-sama, life itself was cheap. Powder Maniac and Demon Sergeant even started bragging like doting moms about his feats.
”…So. At last our country produces men of spirit. Tell me his name.”
”Shirogane Aqua.”
At that, the woman laughed.
”Of course. Shirogane. Not bad. Then I give you a proposal—hire me.”
When she pulled off the blindfold, we froze. Both eyes—prosthetics. Whatever past she had, it was heavy.
”My sight’s gone. But my blade is sharp. Let me fight for you.”
No reason to refuse. Extra hands = good. And she saved my ass. Hell yes.
”Then—what should we call you?”
”Ah. Forgive me. My name is Kazami… Kazami Tooko.”
Kazami!? As in… our ninja Kazami’s relative!? Makes sense. Her movements were identical!
Oh no. Don’t tell me… another elite just joined the Holy Aqua Religion roster. This power creep’s out of hand!
Whatever. Claire can handle it.
I crawled back into the heli and promptly knocked out, running from reality into sleep.
—
Shii-chan: “Mom, what’s Professor Kitsuman mean?”
Madoka-san: “Mm… kinda like a cousin of Ro-Schutz-Marr, I guess.”
Notes:
• Shogun-sama – A bishop within the Holy Aqua Religion who punishes criminals. They are mentioned as the one who sent the liaison to a coal mine as punishment.
• Tooko – Female. A relative of Kazami Rin who intervened to save Rin from her mother’s abuse. She has a stern appearance and is a skilled ninja. She took Rin under her wing, training her harshly but ultimately helping her grow stronger. Their relationship is complex, as Tooko was also responsible for Akimaru’s death.
Please bookmark this series and rate ☆☆☆☆☆ on here!
Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.
Leave a Reply