Chapter 487 Lifespan
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
The “Wobble-wobble Ddo-Buddy”¹ had been vibrating away on my workbench for nearly three years, but a few days ago, it finally went silent. Since then, I had been visiting the office of Cecile-sama-Her Majesty the Queen-as per my usual routine.
”I see. So, it is a matter of the product’s service life…”
Her Majesty spoke. She was thoroughly regaining her health now that the long-standing grudge with the Wielope Empire to the east was finally on the verge of a resolution. …This has absolutely nothing to do with the current situation, but she really has become beautiful.
I mean, she was always a top-tier beauty, but the dark circles under her eyes, the furrow in her brow, and that prickly atmosphere have all softened. Now, it’s like she’s standing in a halo. Honestly, I could be convinced she’s actually glowing.
On top of that, she shows me such an adorable side in the bedroom that I can hardly stand it… I was in the middle of these lewd thoughts when my father-in-law, Roost Badcage-kou², looked my way.
”So, Kento-kun… no, Lord Harvest. Specifically, how long can these be used before they fail?” Roost Badcage asked.
”Let’s see… We first started selling the ‘Ddo-Buddy’ about three years ago. The vibration on the durability-test unit started weakening two years in, so…” Kento replied.
I’ve grown quite close to my father-in-law, but the fact that he went out of his way to call me “Lord Harvest” meant he was addressing me as a fellow noble on official business. I straightened my posture and crunched the numbers.
It’s a simple calculation. The “Ddo-Buddy” runs twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. Since it’s been two years: 24 x 365 x 2 = 17,520 hours. On the other hand, even if a “dedicated” customer never missed their daily hour of “use,” the total run-time for a sold unit over two years would only be 365 x 2 = 730 hours.
If you do the math, 17,520 / 365 = 48 years. Subtracting the two years already gone, that leaves forty-six years. In reality, that range will fluctuate based on power users, natural degradation, or how long someone is willing to keep using it after the vibration starts to tank.
You’re probably thinking that’s a pretty long time, right? But it’s not that simple. If a “dedicated customer” is the diligent type who goes at it all night long once a week, that session time could easily double.
In fact, according to the survey I took during the previous “heresy trial”³, a decent number of people admitted to masturbating more than ten times a week. In those cases, simple math says the service life gets cut in half-roughly twenty-four years.
My real concerns, however, are the “what-if” factors: people accidentally falling asleep with the switch on, the internal components getting thrashed by intense “piston action,” or the unit being subjected to grueling endurance play. If you think customers are all pure, orderly, and well-behaved, you won’t last a day running an adult magic-item shop.
”Hmm… so in some cases, the expiration date might arrive in just over a decade?” Her Majesty asked.
”Exactly, Your Majesty. It’s just a possibility, but we should assume it could be even shorter,” Kento answered.
”Is it really necessary to worry that far ahead?” Roost Badcage asked.
”It is, Father-in… Badcage-kou. Have you considered the Beastmen’s ‘Estrus’⁴? Some of them will literally use a ‘Ddo-Buddy’ all day long for several days a month. Then there’s the brutal ‘training’ within the Church of Demon-Subjugation…” Kento said.
”Hmm…” Roost Badcage muttered.
”And among young women-Beastmen especially-there’s a culture of naming their ‘Ddo-Buddy’ and treating it like a partner. If their ‘lover’ suddenly weakens and stops breathing one day, the heartbreak is easy to imagine. Plus, we’re seeing more Elf customers lately. To an Elf, ten, twenty, or even fifty years is the blink of an eye,” Kento added.
Your Majesty and the Duke both nodded, looking convinced. To be honest, that last bit about the Elves was personal. Since I’ve become intimate with two Elves, Tania and Carley, the magic circuits are all I’ll be able to leave them after I’m gone.
I suspect they’d cherish and keep using the “Ddo-Buddy” I infused with my own mana for a long time. Decades, centuries, maybe even a millennium… When you look at it like that, forty-eight years is tragically short. …But that’s a problem for later. We have a much more pressing crisis.
”And the ‘Hot-Shot-kun’ is a much bigger problem than the ‘Ddo-Buddy’,” Kento stated.
”Umu. And its service life?” Roost Badcage asked.
This was the real reason I called the Duke. The “vibration mechanism” inside the “Hot-Shot-kun” heating units is much smaller than the ones in the ddos. We have to assume the lifespan is shorter too.
I need to do a proper verification, but let’s do some quick math. The components in the “Hot-Shot-kun” are less than a third the size of the “Ddo-Buddy” parts. If we cut the lifespan by that same third, it’s 17,520 / 3 = 5,840 hours.
While that would still give a “Ddo-Buddy” sixteen years of life, the “Hot-Shot-kun” is different-it’s not rare for these to stay on all day. Let’s look at the long Coalmine winters, which last six to eight months.
Using the high end, that’s 240 days x 24 hours = 5,760 hours. Between the sales dates, usage frequency, and individual part variations-plus the fact that I’m not even sure if size scales linearly with lifespan-it wouldn’t be weird if some units were already hitting their limit.
If someone pulled out the “Hot-Shot-kun” they bought last year to get ready for this winter and it didn’t make a peep… how would the customers, the people of Coalmine, feel?
”I see…” Her Majesty murmured.
”Hmm…” Roost Badcage hummed.
Queen Cecile muttered, her newly-smooth brow furrowing again. The Duke, while understanding the point, looked a bit skeptical. He raised a hand to weigh in.
”I see your point… but is this actually a problem for our kingdom or my territory?” Roost Badcage asked.
”How do you mean?” Kento asked.
”Well, to put it bluntly, if they break after a year, we can expect the same sales-or better-this year. It’s good for business,” Roost Badcage said.
”That’s-“
”Now, hold on. Tools are meant to break. I understand people are ‘attached’ to their… er, ‘Ddo-Buddies,’ but no one feels that way about a ‘Hot-Shot-kun.’ Besides, it’s not just our kingdom that profits from the turnover,” Roost Badcage explained.
The Duke had a point. Some of the raw materials like Fire Rat skins are imported from the Coalmine Kingdom. Since they handle their own sales, both kingdoms stand to gain from replacements. But…
”That would be fine if that’s what people expected from the start. But we never gave them that disclaimer. Plus, ‘Hot-Shot-kun’ isn’t just used in safe homes or on the streets,” Kento countered.
”Ah, I see. They take them out into the field…” Roost Badcage said.
”Exactly. What if an adventurer or a hunter is carrying one in their pocket like a lucky charm? What if they get caught in a blizzard, take shelter in a cave, and try to click on their ‘Hot-Shot-kun’ as a last resort… only for it to stay dead?” Kento asked.
”…That is a terrifying thought,” Roost Badcage admitted.
Finally, a hint of panic touched the Duke’s face. The Coalmine Kingdom isn’t the only place selling these. In fact, the Duke’s own Badcage territory started selling them even earlier.
That meant the units in his own lands would be the first to fail. The realization that his own people’s lives were on the line made him scowl, matching the Queen’s expression.
”It’s settled then. We’ll dispatch an envoy to the Coalmine Kingdom immediately to relay this concern and notify the users. As for you, Lord Harvest… what do you intend to do?” Her Majesty asked.
”…It’s going to sting, but I’m looking into a product exchange program. Ideally, the shop will swallow the full cost. Depending on the numbers, we might have to settle for a heavy discount. Long-term, I’ll look for a technical fix-maybe a new casing that makes it easy to swap out the vibration core,” Kento answered.
”Very well. I shall inform them of your intent. Badcage-kou, and you?” Her Majesty asked.
”…I’ll ensure the word is spread thoroughly in my lands. Also, it looks like we’ll need to ramp up production,” Roost Badcage said.
”Good. I’m counting on both of you. Get it done before winter hits. And don’t forget to report back,” Her Majesty commanded.
””Yes!””
And so, the very first… or perhaps the world’s first product recall began.
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Summary:
Kento discovers that his best-selling products, the Ddo-Buddy and the Hot-Shot-kun, have limited lifespans due to the degradation of their vibration mechanisms. After presenting the mathematical breakdown of their survival hours to Queen Cecile and Duke Roost Badcage, the gravity of the situation shifts from a business profit opportunity to a life-and-death safety crisis for winter travelers. Kento decides to initiate the world’s first product recall to save lives and preserve customer trust.
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Trivia:
- Kento’s math assumes 1 hour of use per day for 2 years equals 730 hours, whereas the test unit lasted 17,520 hours.
- The ‘Hot-Shot-kun’ is more vulnerable because it is used for heating and often left on 24/7 during winter.
- Beastmen have high usage rates during ‘Estrus’ (Heat).
- Young Beastmen women have a culture of anthropomorphizing their Ddo-Buddies as ‘lovers’.
- Elves live so long that a 50-year battery life feels like a transient moment to them.
- Fire Rat skin is a key component imported from the Coalmine Kingdom
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Character Insight:
Kento displays his dual nature: he is a sentimental lover who worries about what he leaves behind for his immortal partners (Tania and Carley), yet he remains a cold, calculating manager willing to tank profits for the sake of long-term reputation and public safety. Duke Roost Badcage shows initial greed (‘broken tools mean more sales’) before his paternal sense of duty as a lord kicks in once he realizes his own citizens are at risk.
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Behind the Scenes:
The author uses the ‘modern knowledge’ trope to introduce the concept of a ‘Product Recall’ and ‘Service Life’ (Jumyou) into a fantasy world where most tools are expected to be either eternal (holy relics) or disposable.
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TL Notes:
Notes:
• Cecile – A queen in the capital who possesses the authority to regulate business and commerce, particularly concerning moral or public order issues. She is currently investigating Kento’s shop, ‘Harvest.’ Have long golden hair, elegant, and wearing expensive white dress with gold accesories.
• Roost – Duke of Badcage and father of Tina Badcage. He has long silver hair mixed with some white, a cool-headed expression, and red eyes. Despite a relatively slender build, he possesses a strong fighting spirit.
• Kento – Lord Harvest—the unassuming owner of the Harvest magic tool shop (with a discreet adult goods side). An isekai’d Japanese salaryman resembling Kazuma Satou, with dark hair and basic magic for crafting. Recently triumphed over a Great Dragon; now juggles his harem, tinkering, and ties to Amelia and the Queen at Ddo-Buddy Manor.
• Carley – Ancient Elf ‘Mother’ (Haha-sama) of Wielope Empire—young beautiful elven looks w/ ancient aura, long autumn-leaf green hair, flat-chested soft body, carefree villain matriarch to assassins/royalty like Emperor ‘Dee-bou’ & Gustav. Forest Blessing granter, founder/supporter, blunt/pragmatic, Kento progeny-obsessed, chill under magic/tentacle restraints.
• Tania – An Elf adventurer who, despite her race’s reputation for low sex drive, is secretly quite passionate. She initially seemed ‘wasted’ (emotionally dry) to her friend Raika, but was easily introduced to the pleasure-items sold at ‘Harvest.’ She is easily embarrassed and attempts to maintain a dignified facade, despite her recent, frequent purchases. She wears practical but light armor over a simple cloth tunic and short pants, highlighting her grace and agility. Her primary relationship is one of friendly senior-junior with Raika.
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
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