Volume 5 Chapter 9 Miyuki Heliodor Yui, Farewell to My Past Self
Edited by: Kanaa-senpai
On that day, I was invited by my friend, Touka-san, to attend the Summer Comic Market event for the first time. After successfully securing the two items I wanted at the Morinaga booth, I turned my gaze to the tables in the venue.
”Eggplant Heaven and Udon… What kind of book is this?”
A tremendous line had formed at the booth selling this mysterious book. While glancing at it out of the corner of my eye, I made my way to my intended destination. Unfortunately, I didn’t win the lottery for entry to the Beryl booth, but many people gathered outside the exhibition hall to catch even the slightest sound.
Fortunately, the staff had opened all the windows and doors of the exhibition hall so that those outside could hear the sounds. They also set up tents and seats to combat the heat.
Even though those inside the exhibition hall might not be aware, the truth is that many people have overflowed onto the streets outside the venue facility. Perhaps the police deemed it dangerous, as the surrounding roads were completely blocked off for a while.
”Well then, for the last part, I would like to sing a song for everyone.”
On the tablet, Aa-sama, or rather Shiro-kun, stood at the center of the stage. It seemed that Aa-sama’s friends were also participating in the live, as each of them headed to their respective places where the instruments were placed.
”What? Are they all going to perform together?”
”Hey… I can only see a future of death, you know?”
”Toa-chan is on the drums, so what will Tama-chan do?”
”Isn’t Tama-chan’s part on the synthesizer an automated performance? Well thought out, I must say.”
”The smallest one is on the drums? That’s seriously amazing. He’s showing off his masculinity there, huh?”
”Tenga-sama can play the guitar, it’s incredible! So cool!”
”Ahhhh, Akira-kun looks so good with the guitar, I’m swooning!”
”Mayuzumi-kun is on bass, do your best!”
”Mayushin-kun looks nervous, I hope he’ll be okay. It’s nerve-wracking to watch.”
The people around were all staring intently at their mobile phones and tablet screens. As if waiting for that moment, the heat from the stage, which exceeded the slow summer heat, spread outside.
”Is everyone ready?”
In response to Shiro-kun’s voice, there was a loud cheer from the outside.
”Composition by Nekoyama Toa and Tenga Akira, lyrics by Mayuzumi Shintaro, here’s ‘Stay Here.’”
The spotlight on the stage focused on the five of them. Starting with Tama-chan’s lively synthesizer sound, it was joined by Toa-kun’s powerful drum beats.
”Boku wa kimi ni nando mo hidoi koto o shita. Dakara kawaranakya ikenai tte omottanda (I have hurt you many times. That’s why I thought I had to change.)”
As if it had been there from the beginning, Tenga-kun and Mayuzumi-kun’s guitar and bass sounds were added. The song was pop yet poignant, and Shiro-kun’s voice served as the base, but he deliberately stretched it to create a slightly more grown-up singing voice, tugging at the depths of my heart.
”Kimi no kawari nante, sekai no doko o sagashitatte inai. Dakara boku kara hanarenai de (I have searched all over the world for someone to replace you. So please don’t leave me.)”
The lyrics of the song slowly overlapped with the life I had lived.
”Machigatte, kuyande, mata machigatta koudou o suru. Soushite boku wa kimi no jikan o ubatte shimatta. Boku wa kimi ga dore dake boku no koto o kangaete kurete ita no ka o wakatte inakattanda (I made mistakes, regretted them, and made wrong choices again. And in doing so, I took away your time. I didn’t understand how much you thought of me.)”
Could this song be directed towards girls who have expected so much from boys, only to be betrayed and now want to give up on having expectations?
”Boku wa mou owari da yo. Kimi ga soba ni ite kurenai nante kangaetakumo nai (I’m done for. I can’t bear to think that you won’t be by my side.)”
It felt as though the song was appealing to all the girls out there not to give up on boys just yet.
”Boku wa kimi ni nando mo hidoi koto o shita. Dakara kawaranakya ikenai tte omottanda. Kimi no kawari nante, sekai no doko o sagashitatte inai. Dakara boku kara hanarenai de. Boku wa kimi ni torikaeshi no tsukanai koto o shita kamoshirenai. Dakara ayamanakya ikenai tte omottanda. Datte, kimi no kawari nante, sekai no doko o sagashitatte inai
(I have hurt you many times. That’s why I thought I had to change. I haven’t searched anywhere in the world for someone to replace you. So please don’t leave me. I might have done something irreparable to you. That’s why I thought I had to apologize. Because, there’s no one in the world who can replace you).”
The repeated message in the chorus stirs a painful feeling deep in my heart. Can I really allow myself to hope? Even though I know Aa-sama is different, past traumas grip my heart, whispering that I’ll be betrayed again. I want to believe, but I can’t. I want Aa-sama to make me believe. Contradictory emotions rage like a storm within me.
”Dakara boku o matte ite! (So wait for me!)”
In response to the powerful final message, everyone’s gaze is drawn in. The spotlight that had been illuminating the five of them now converges into one. I think everyone must have expected this to happen. Still, even if that’s the case, we, no, I’ve been waiting for him to come here!!
”Yatto kimi o tsukamaeru koto ga dekita. Kono te de kimi ni sawatte mo ii darou ka? Kimi no okage de ore wa ai ni kizukasareta (I finally caught up to you. Can I touch you with these hands? Thanks to you, I’ve come to realize love.)”
Almost simultaneously with Aa-sama’s appearance at the center of the stage, a cheer that borders on a scream spreads throughout this venue, this facility, no, throughout this entire country. At the same time, the venue is filled with the light of white cyalume.
”Ore wa kimi no koto o shinjiru koto ga dekinakattanda. Ima made no kankei o kuzushitakunai kara kowakute ippo o fumidasenakatta (I couldn’t believe in you. I was too scared to take a step forward because I didn’t want to break our relationship).”
That’s the same as me. I’ve never been able to fall in love. I’ve always thought that someone like me could never be liked by anyone. No, I convinced myself of that. That’s why I was too scared to break my current relationship with Aa-sama.
We have an age gap, and I’m just a failure, so it’s impossible for me to be with Aa-sama. But, but… if it’s forgivable, I want to take a step forward. Just once, I want to wholeheartedly fall in love with someone. Even if it ends in failure, that love will surely become nourishment for my life.
”Kimi wa ore no sei de mae o susumu koto o yamete shimatta. Hitori torinokosareta kimi o mite ore wa kono mama ja dame datte omottanda. Datte kimi ni wa ore ga hitsuyou daro? Dakara beibii, ore no soba ni ite kure (You stopped moving forward because of me. Seeing you left behind on your own made me realize I can’t leave you. Because, don’t you need me? So baby, stay by my side.)”
The women here, the many women watching the live broadcast, must have thought the same thing. Of course, that’s obvious, isn’t it? Hey, Aa-sama, do you know how many girls you’ve saved? Here, there’s one girl who has been saved by you.
”Ore wa kimi ni nando mo hidoi koto o shita. Dakara kawaranakya ikenai tte omotta. Kimi no kawari nante, sekai no doko o sagashitatte inai. Dakara ore kara hanarenai de. Ore wa kimi ni torikaeshi no tsukanai koto o shita kamoshirenai. Dakara ayamanakya ikenai tte omotta. Datte, kimi no kawari nante, sekai no doko o sagashitatte inai.
(I have hurt you many times. That’s why I thought I had to change. I haven’t searched anywhere in the world for someone to replace you. So please don’t leave me. I might have done something irreparable to you. That’s why I thought I had to apologize. Because, there’s no one in the world who can replace you.)”
Now, what expression am I wearing? Tears flowing endlessly, loosened facial muscles, and my face reflected in the tablet… I’m smiling. Even while crying, a natural smile overflows. Maybe practicing smiling was worth it?
”Dakara soko de matteite, ore ga kimi o mukae ni iku kara!! (So wait for me there, because I’m coming to get you!!)”
With a cheerful yet refreshing pop melody, an up-tempo dance beat, and a hint of spiciness that adds a touch of sadness, it tightly squeezes my heart. At the end of the song, Aa-sama extends a hand towards us. Everyone reaches out to grab that hand.
”Aaaaaaaaah, I-I, I’ll definitely follow Aa-sama!!”
”We did it, we finally did it, we followed him here!”
”Right, we don’t have to give up yet.”
”This time, can we believe? He won’t betray us anymore, right?”
”Hakuryuu-sensei… I’m sorry for saying your works lacked realism. But He’s truly amazing, Aqua-sama is. In an instant, he can completely captivate a girl’s heart.”
”Haha… Aqua-sama is incredible. I feel like he has everything about us girls in his hands.”
”Mayushin-kun’s lyrics really hit home… Thank you for writing such wonderful lyrics that perfectly fit Aa-kun…!”
”Toa-chan and Tenga-kun’s song was great too. Right now, it feels like this lively rhythm is the reason why I can genuinely smile. It’s like I’m being told not to cry but to smile.”
”Thank you, Aa-kun. Thank you, Shiro-kun. Thank you, Tama-chan. Thank you, Toa-chan. Thank you, Mayuzumi-kun. Thank you, Tenga-senpai. Thank you, President Ako. Thank you, Beryl… Thank you to everyone involved in this event!!”
Expressions of gratitude echo from all around. I, too, shout “thank you” with a trembling voice.
”Everyone, thank you! Once again, I’m Shirogane Aqua from Beryl Entertainment, Idol Division. Ako-san told me that this should be the end, but… somehow… wouldn’t it be nice to sing one more song?”
Aa-sama extends the microphone towards us and briefly glances towards the backstage. Presumably, President Ako or someone related is there.
”President Ako, staff-san, please!”
”No way!? He’s going to sing one more song for us?”
I, too, raise my voice repeatedly towards the sky. It’s probably the loudest I’ve shouted since I was a child. From within the venue and from outside the facility, voices overlap, merging into one loud voice. The encore is greeted with a hoarse round of applause. Aa-sama places his hand on the intercom and nods towards the backstage. Then, he turns the microphone back towards himself.
”So, for the last song, everyone, have you seen the drama ‘To You, Where the Flowers Bloom’?”
”””””We should be the ones thanking you!!”””””
”I want to sing the theme song of that drama “Maiden’s Heart”! Please listen if you like!”
Unlike the previous song, “Otome-iro no Kokoro (Maiden’s Heart),” is a very mature song. Aa-sama’s voice, which has gained much more s*x appeal than when it was first performed on TV, rocks my heart like a wine glass. Contrasting the excitement from earlier, the girls around me blush like innocent maidens.
”This song… his live performance is incredible, right?”
”Huh, huh? I don’t remember this song being this s*xy.”
”What should I do? It feels like Aqua-sama is right next to me.”
”The lyrics are subtly rearranged to suit Aqua-kun, it must be Mayushin-kun’s doing.”
”Tenga-senpai’s guitar playing is too s*xy… I can’t help but stare at his fingertips.”
”Toa-chan, with the way he’s drumming, suddenly I can’t see him as a girl, I’m becoming conscious of this…”
”Oh no, just from listening to the song, I might get pregnant. Seriously, I might get pregnant…”
I had so much I wanted to say, but my voice wouldn’t come out anymore. My heart was so full, a mix of sorrow, pain, and affection… if there’s a name for this emotion, I want to know it. After singing “Maiden’s Heart” to the end, Aa-sama shouts towards the audience.
”Everyoneee! Thank you until the very end!!”
Aa-sama exchanges a high-five with Tenga-kun nearby, hugs Mayuzumi-kun, and gives a high-five to Toa-kun. Each time, shrill yellow voices akin to screams escape from everywhere. The four of them hold hands and step forward to the front of the stage, bowing deeply in unison with words of gratitude.
””””Thank you so much!””””
In response, we also offer our thanks and expressions of gratitude.
”See you next time!”
Aa-sama raises both hands high and waves towards the audience. The other three follow suit, vigorously waving their hands.
”Aqua-sama, I love youuu! I love you so much!!”
”I love you, Aa-sama!!”
”I’m rooting for you, Mayushin-kun!”
”Toua-chaaan! I’ll watch your stream!”
”TENGA! TENGA! TENGA!”
The venue and the surroundings erupt with screams that sound almost like cries. I thought the four of them would leave the stage, but instead, Aa-sama takes out his phone from his pocket slowly.
I wonder what he’s doing, but then, on the stage, all four of them huddle together and start taking a selfie. They’re so close and friendly with each other! Thinking that, I hear a notification on my smartphone.
[Everyone, thank you for watching today’s live!! by – I was able to bike today!]
The SNS post includes a picture of the four of them smiling. As I glance around, I see people around me falling down in a frenzy. I contemplate whether I should check on them, but they all seem to be just fine, collapsing with smiles on their faces. I return my gaze to the tablet’s screen.
Just then, I lock eyes with Aa-sama, who is retreating backstage. I know it’s just a coincidence. Aa-sama probably looked at the audience or the camera, not specifically at me. But… but! I can’t stop my heart from pounding furiously. I don’t want Aa-sama to say he only looks at me. But I do want him to be more aware of me.
”I can’t hesitate to take a step forward… I don’t want to regret this anymore.”
Abusing my position? Mixing business and personal matters? I don’t care anymore. I’m done suppressing my feelings. I’ve been lying to myself, pretending that I’d be happy just being the semen extraction officer by Aa-sama’s side. But is that really my true feelings?
No, that’s not it!
I gave up!
I was scared!
So, I kept lying to myself. I kept lying to myself because I didn’t want to give up on this. Even though I wasn’t loved by my mother or my grandmother, or even my father, I don’t want to give up on this one thing.
I want… no, I want to be loved by someone, by the person I love, by Shirogane Aqua! Even if this feeling goes unrequited, I have to take a chance. Aa-sama taught me that I have to reach out and seize what I want. So, I won’t hesitate anymore.
Miyuki Heliodor Yui, I’m going to give it my all in this once-in-a-lifetime love!
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Edited by Kanaa-senpai.
Thanks for reading.